I have always said that music finds a way to penetrate my soul and speak to me. I think we all feel this way at times so I am probably preaching to the choir with this blog post. But please let me ramble and talk to myself today - it has been a while since I REALLY wrote.
As I crossed the pedestrian bridge over HWY 36 at 6:23am this morning, I plugged in my headphones and searched for an iTunes radio channel to listen to. My fingers quickly choose my "Unforgiven" channel which told me right away that the Universe needed to speak to me through music. I NEVER choose anything quickly when it comes to music or movies but it took all of a full second to make my choice this morning. Heather teases me when I spend 15 minutes trying to find the right movie to watch that will help me turn my brain off so I can fall asleep quickly. I will admit to being very indecisive with movies and music which is why the Universe must have made the choice for me this morning.
The first song was actually crap so I just fast forwarded it. The second song on this morning's playlist was a Nirvana song that went in one ear and out the other. Then came Metallica - the reason I made this channel. The song that played for me was The Unforgiven III - a song I had never heard before despite it being several years old. Instantly the song spoke to me and speaks so true to my life RIGHT now!
The song describes a person that has a mission but keeps getting distracted and of course. The person then cannot forgive themselves. I am STRUGGLING with forgiving myself right now. I keep allowing "resistance" and other distractions keep me from my life's goal and purpose - SNAKES. I then BEAT the living shit out of myself and NEVER forgive myself for the things I meant to do. This sucks but what else is new - music spoke to Cameron; Cameron can't forgive himself - big deal. Well, it is a big deal and here is why. In addition to the song, I saw the quote below on my Google+ feed (all I can say is my G+ friends are very similar to me - dirty minds and insightful quotes). This quote is important to consider when trying to forgive yourself.
Read the quote again please. We all do this to some extent. We certainly act differently at home than we do at work. What about with our friends? Do they really know us? I have written previously that the person I show outwardly is very different than the person I hide behind walls, fences, and sand dunes (yes - with the help of my therapist, I did soul guided and deep soul-searching and found sand dunes blocking my core). Despite that, the quote above really spoke to me because I don't think I have been very good to myself lately. I am doing Snakespiration which is the REAL me but I hide myself at work, home, and with my friends. I am much more open and happy that I have ever been though so I know I have made HUGE progress in allowing myself out - I just need to do it more. I want to find a way to bring that Snakespired Cameron to all facets of my life.
So back to the Unforgiven...
When I got to the office, I YouTubed (did you know that YouTube is the largest information transfer site on the internet?) Metallica and listened to The Unforgiven, The Unforgiven II, and The Unforgiven III. I strongly encourage you to do the same so I embedded all the songs below just for you.
Now - what did I learn? I learned that I still do not forgive myself very easily. I learned that I am MUCH better at controlling my mood and depression although yesterday did suck until I got home and did my daily Snakespiration episode. I learned that these songs still ring true in my ears but that I can rationally listen to them and use them as a tool for moving forward. In other words, I am no longer STUCK in the past. I also learned that I am still hiding my true self from myself and others (this needs to change).
I am excited for the future but I still have a lot of work to learn how to make the future what I want it to be. I still procrastinate. I still hide. I still allow anxiety into my life. These things will probably never really go away but what I do know is the following:
- I am a better person
- I am nicer to myself
- I am a better husband
- I am a better father
- I am a better friend
- I can see a very bright future
- I have more confidence
- I feel happier
So - while I still change to meet people's expectations of me, I am doing amazing inside my mind and soul. I am learning so much with my Snakespiration - now I need to learn to forgive myself so I can move forward into my very bright future.
Forgive Me, Forgive Me Not, Why Can't I forgive Myself?
The Unforgiven III