I just returned from a cellular dead zone and that always inspires a lot of introspective thinking. I took the Lab's Field Members to Mills Canyon, New Mexico. There isn't good cell reception within 30 miles of the canyon and even that is sometimes spotty. I was completely offline for 96 hours. So I got a chance to think and talk to new people about ideas, life, and of course, snakes. While we were sitting around the campfire, we talked a little about the love languages of our children. I had Ashton with me and his love language is touch - he absolutely loves siting in laps and snuggling. My love language is also touch but that is where the contradiction lies.
About 10 years ago, I visited a good friend of mine from graduate school who now lives in Fort Collins. When I walked in the door, his wife gave me a huge hug and I completely ruined everything. My body went rigid and I failed miserably at returning her affection. She was genuinely excited and happy to see me but I couldn't reciprocate despite being just as happy and excited to see her. This makes no sense because my love language is touch. Some people that know me well might disagree because they know I don't like to be touched but that is just a part of it. Quality time and affirmations are both up there in importance for me but nothing beats the affirmation that a simple and easy touch can give me. But not just anyone can touch me...
There is that contradiction again. Cameron wants to be touched but doesn't? This is where I thought and thought over the weekend. How did this come about? I am the youngest of five kids - I was probably over touched as a kid so now only reserve touching to those I really care about. What are the situations where someone can touch me and I don't flinch like I did in Fort Collins? There are really only two.
The first one is easy - at the Lab. Almost every day, a child at the Lab will climb into my lap or slide under my arm to get a better look at a snake or some other critter. I never flinch when this happens. It actually magnifies what I am doing at the moment - TEACHING! I know I am big, loud, and sometimes very excitable at the Lab when talking about snakes but to see a child so comfortable that they can climb into my lap to get a better look - that is my love language. It fills my soul and reinforces my passion for teaching others about snakes.
The second one comes from someone that has been given at least some access into my inner world. I never give complete access to this part of me (not yet at least) but some people know me well enough for me to allow them to touch me. My college roommate is one of those people. He can hug me. He can grab my ass. He can feel up my man boobs. He even tries to make me uncomfortable with touch but he is so deep inside my inner world that his touches are love not annoyance. An example of the opposite happened at the lab recently. One of my volunteers gave me a hug and I froze again. I completely went rigid and I felt terrible because this volunteer was reaching out to me and telling me how much she appreciated the Lab. Now I think the word is out to "not touch Cameron" and this is actually the opposite of what I want. I may not want to hug you but touch is very important to me.
So how should someone touch me if I let them?
A hand on my shoulder or upper back is always welcome. It tells me that you are engaged with me in whatever we are doing. I can always tell if a kid at that Lab is in or has been at a Montessori school. They use this sort of touch as silent communication and it works well with me. It is simple and very effective and for me, really affirms that we are on the same page. It also affirms that you trust and like me enough to physically touch me.
A more intimate touch that I probably won't allow any of you reading this blog do with me is to share an armrest. I cannot stand to be touched on an airplane or bus by someone that I don't know but to bump elbows with someone I really like on an armrest is incredibly affirming to me. Most of you are probably laughing at this right now and wondering how this could ever be considered an intimate touch. Welcome to Cameron's inner world where things are complete contradictions. Yes, touching elbows is nice.
If you really want to push the touch boundaries with me, try leaning into me if we are standing next to each other. I bet I step away very quickly. If I don't, it means I trust you enough to allow our bodies to touch. Yep. I am weird that way. This lean is incredibly affirming to me and I read into it that you like me. Actually, don't try this one. See my life is a contradiction...
Now to throw a huge wrench into my love languages. I have said that touch is my love language followed closely by affirmation and quality time. That said, I love gifts despite the fact that I don't think that I am worthy of gifts so if my best friend brings me a bottle of tequila, it sends me for a total loop. I don't know what to think. I love it but it scares me senseless. What does it mean? Do I owe them something? This is a really nice gesture but how should I act? I try to say "thank you" but it rarely comes out right. Someone likes me enough to give me a gift??? That is crazy talk and a huge contradiction to my beliefs about myself. Seriously, I rarely even drink the beer that people bring to my house although I appreciate it immensely. I prefer to drink my own beer because I do not know how to accept a gift. My sister-in-law has been working on this one with me over the last several years but I still suck at it. I love gifts - just don't be surprised if I try to give it back to you.
I know I haven't blogged much recently (it seems like I start every blog post this way these days) but a lot has happened this spring that has prompted me to write tonight. Let's just say that Great Horned Owls and Milksnakes have prompted me to write tonight. Let's see where this goes.
Great Horned Owls are majestic yet mysterious birds. There isn't much better late at night than hearing an owl hoot and then have it answered by another owl off in the distance. I can lay in bed and just listen to them with a smile on my face wondering where they are and what they are doing. That said, finding them in the daytime is incredible too. I have spent many hours chasing owls this spring and actually come away with some incredible experiences. People like to tease me about always lugging my video camera around but if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to capture my experiences to share with others. I haven't made many videos lately but I have shared still images that I have captured with my camera. These aren't the full immersion experiences I prefer to share but they are still a wonderful way to share my time in nature with the people I care about.
Great Horned Owl near Coal Creek
This brings us to milksnakes. Milksnakes are the snake of 1000 rocks. They are quite literally the diamond in the rough. You have to be patient and persistent to find one and when you do, nothing else matters. Fate is a bitch sometimes and the snake gods have been against me all spring but I finally found a milksnake just last week in the most unusual spot. I was looking for bullsnakes along the dam of a lake and was completely content with having just found a pair mating. I didn't need a change or anymore snakes. I certainly didn't need a milksnake - I was happy with what I had found already and then BAM! - a milksnake was basking in the weirdest spot. It was far from any anticipated home for this species. It just swept me off my feet and completely threw me for a loop. Fate is a bitch but I certainly like her because she always brings the unexpected and the unexpected can be as amazing as finding a milksnake.
Milksnake found when completely unexpected.
But, this is how Fate works. I can't explain it. But what matters is what you do after Fate choses you. You have to embrace the opportunity. You don't get that many that really matter. You may get another chance to go flip rocks but you may not ever find another milksnake.
As a chronic rock flipper, I have learned to be disappointed in my life. I have learned that not every rock has a milksnake. They don't call them the snake of 1000 rocks for nothing. I have learned that Fate likes to play tricks on you too. Fate likes to watch you suffer as you flip and flip and flip and flip and flip and flip - well, you get the point. That is where hope comes into play. Hope that the next rock has a milksnake.
Hope. That is a word I don't use very often. It really isn't in my go to emotion bank. I rarely have hope unless I am looking for snakes. I feel hopeless in lots of ways throughout my life and that is probably why I am the way I am. This is changing though. A lot of people have invested in me lately and that creates hope. It creates a future. It creates success. I am just struggling with this new hope being created in me. I can flip rocks for hours hoping to find a milksnake. That is easy. But hoping for change in life is a lot harder. I have made some serious drastic changes in my life hoping that they will all work out. I quit a career. I opened a unique and very different business. All this was done on hope that it will all work out. Yes, I have some amazing people supporting me but it is still hope that it works out that keeps me going.
So I guess I should wrap this up by saying that Fate might be a bitch but that I have hope that the next rock will have a milksnake. But, you really shouldn't base your life on fate and hope. That is why I won't stop flipping rocks. I am willing to put in the work to negate fates hold over hope and find the damn milksnake myself. This works for snakes. Will it work in life?
Something incredible happened to me today and it has prompted a creativity inside of me that hasn't been there in years. So I am writing. Let's see where this goes but there are no guarantees this will be good or I will even finish it but I am writing.
Guys Who Give happened to me today. I quit my career as a threatened and endangered species biologist for an environmental consulting firm on January 1, 2017. That is right. I walked away from a great paying and successful career without a real plan for a future. I sometimes wonder if this was a mistake but what happened today today confirmed that I did the right thing. Today I was given a $13,000 donation from Guys Who Give to help fund our programs at My Nature Lab.
I suffer every day from imposter syndrome in my chosen path. "I am not an educator. I am not a scientist. I am not qualified for my job." Those are the things that play on repeat in my head every day but today they were slammed to basement of my pile of shit by an incredible donation. This donation means so much more to me than just giving My Nature Lab much needed funding. It told me that people appreciate and value what I am doing at My Nature Lab. This donation is truly a life changer for me.
I cried today. I cried a lot today. I am an emotional person but I really try to bury those feelings deep especially when asked about outdoor cats or palm oil (both will make me cry if I am allowed to talk freely). I cried today. I cried a lot today because I was overfilled and overwhelmed by the support that this donation gave me. It justified my choice to quit my job, work at Home Depot for a year, and then open the doors of My Nature Lab.
We opened My Nature Lab on April 22, 2018 as the educational facility of the Center for Snake Conservation. My vision was to have a place to teach people about snakes and other reptiles. My vision was to reach 80,000 people annually with live snakes and other reptiles. I firmly believe that you cannot appreciate, respect, or learn to love something without hands on experiences and we are showing that love is possible at My Nature Lab every day.
I have also struggled every day since April 22, 2018. Imposter syndrome is very real. I have cried. I have stressed over money. Every month, I pay the rent late. In fact, I have paid most of our bills late because we just don't have the money and it took more time than anticipated to make enough money to pay them. This is devastating for a young business. This will kill you. I have thought about quitting. I have thought about ending everything.
But I have kept going. The lives I touch on a daily basis with our snakes has kept me going. Last month, 1,725 people were touched by my programs. The stories about kids playing My Nature Lab at home have made my heart swell. The thank you letters we post at the Lab tell me we are making a difference. The 50 5 out 5 Facebook reviews say we are doing it right. The almost 400 families that have bought memberships to My Nature Lab keep me going.
But today. Today was the day. Today, 130 men each donated $100 to My Nature Lab. Today, Guys Who Give told me that they value what I am giving to our community in 13,000 ways. Today, we received a $13,000 donation that will give us opportunities we haven't had before. We can hire an educator. We can give our programs to schools for free. We can reach more kids and adults with live snakes and reptiles. My vision of reaching 80,000 people is within reach.
Today, I cried. I cried a lot. I cried tears of overwhelming happiness. I cried tears of success. I cried because people appreciate me. This is something I have not ever allowed before. This is new for me. I might now cry every day at the Lab and now you will know why I am crying. I am crying because I am making a difference for snakes in this world. I am crying because I love what I do no matter how tired it makes me. I am crying for you to learn to love snakes. I am crying for conservation. I am crying because I am happy.
I am an Educator. I am a Scientist. I am Qualified for my job. Thank you Guys Who Give.
WOW! It has been over a year since my last post - where has the time gone?
I didn't mean to take a year off but it happened. A lot and I mean a lot has happened since my last blog post. So much that I don't know where to start or even how to begin to catch everyone up to what is going on in my life. That is assuming that you care what is going on in my life - lol. I write this blog for me anyway and right now I need to write again because things feel like they are close to derailing and that should be farthest thing from my thoughts right now. My plan is to write when it suits me to see if I can get my train back on track. If that doesn't work, I will head back to therapy. :)
I am running again. Today marks the 75th day that I have run at least one mile. Not a bad streak actually. I am not sure what prompted me to start running again but on July first I went out for a run and i have run at least one mile every day since then. Yay me! Yes. I am bragging.
Shadow Selfie from my 75th run this morning - check out that view!
My Nature Lab is killing it. I haven't even written about My Nature Lab and here I am telling you that it is killing it. Things couldn't be better. I quit my high paying corporate consulting job on January 1, 2017. I then works at Home Depot for over a year working my way up to the Department Supervisor of Lumber and Building Materials. I enjoyed that job but it wasn't fulfilling my desire to share snakes and their amazing natural histories with people so we opened My Nature Lab. We opened on Earth Day (April 22) and have over 200 members with a goal of 500 in the first year. Killing it! That said, we still struggle each month to pay the rent and my starting salary of $42,000 annually that we just started paying last month. Members love the Lab and they come back all the time. We are building a strong community around snake conservation right here in Louisville. We just need to keep growing to become financially secure. My mind is swallowed by these thoughts of not being able to pay our bills and it has killed my creativity. Running is helping. Being at the Lab every day is helping. I just need to look at the big picture and find a way to grow.
Great Horned Owls just because they are nature.
Short post this morning since the Lab is about to open for the day and I need to get ready for our members and visitors. Just writing this short blog post is amazingly therapeutic. I will be writing a lot more in the next few weeks/months.
"The [Ignorance] is strong in my family, my father had it, I [don't] have it, my sister has it.
I am pissed. I am really, really pissed. This post is not to shame anyone although it might because I am not going to hold back. I know the fear behind the decisions made today but I also know that education can turn FEAR INTO FASCINATION. I live through my motto of Conservation Through Education so I hope this post isn't seen as shaming but instead viewed as a chance for education.
My sister just sent the entire family a photo of the 11.5 feet long alligator she just had removed from her yard. It was taped up and "stunned" as the trappers loaded into their truck to kill it later. Many of you are probably in agreement that you can't let such a dangerous and aggressive creature live near our pets and children but I need you to understand that THIS IS JUST PURE IGNORANCE! Yes, an alligator will eat a dog, cat, chicken, or other small animal we call pets but we need to take a close look at alligators and their behavior before we start jumping to the conclusion that they are dangerous. Yes - I normally write about snakes but large predators are also so misunderstood by humans and wrongly feared that I feel that I need to write about alligators.
Alligators have been persecuted by humans since European immigrants started asserting their dominance on North American in 1492. They were slaughtered and indiscriminately killed by the millions until protections were put in place to ensure their survival in 1967. Since then, alligator populations have rebounded and the species is no longer in danger of extinction and protections were removed in 1987 although it is still sort of protected because of a similarity of appearance with the endangered American crocodile. Most states where alligators occurs now even allow hunting although the practices for this are subject to debate and often considered cruel or unnecessary. So yes, there are plenty of alligators around and the death of a single alligator that lived in my sister's backyard canal isn't what has me so pissed off. It is the willful ignorance that humans exhibit towards creatures we do not understand that has me irate.
Alligators are apex predators meaning that they shape the prey communities and food webs of the areas they live in. Actually the babies and young alligators are often food for other predators so I am not counting them in my assessment of an apex predator. But this makes them even more important in shaping the food web. Almost anything will eat a baby alligator and they will eat almost anything themselves.
Alligators are also ecosystem engineers. They dig waterholes that during periods of drought are the only water sources available for wildlife. There really is a Jungle Book "water truce" during droughts - okay, maybe not a full on truce but alligator holes are keys to drought survival in the southeastern United States. I do have to comment that you haven't lived until you have been wading in ankle deep water and your next step finds you waist deep in an alligator hole. :)
It is IMPORTANT to remember that the American alligator is not the same creature as the sensationalized Nile crocodile or Australian saltwater crocodiles that regularly prey upon large mammals such as wildebeests or kangaroos. Our alligators are much more at home catching fish for dinner. In fact, alligators in central Florida have been shown to eat almost exclusively fish (about 90% of their diets) and then reptiles and amphibians are next on the list. Mammals fall way short as prey items and are typically only eaten when fish aren't available. I would also argue that our media loves to sensationalize alligators and crocodiles and this spreads myths and fear but that is another blog post.
My experiences with alligators began in 1989 when visited my brother in Birdsville, Georgia where he was a technician on a wood stork foraging ecology study. As part of the study, they had to wade through a cypress swamp to reach a blind that was at nest level in the top of the trees. As we were waist deep in water wading into the blind, David told me about the alligator that he stepped on TWICE while wading into the blind earlier that year. He survived and no alligators attacked us on our way into the blind or on the way out that day. I then moved to Kentucky and forgot about alligators for many, many years.
I later moved to Florida for graduate school in 1997. Heather and I moved into an apartment complex that had water retention ponds all around it and it seemed that every 100 feet or so had an alligator living in the pond. Well, we had just adopted a puppy that LOVED water and running as fast as he could through it. He would swim everywhere! So naturally, I listened to the media about the dangers of alligators. I became worried about an alligator eating him especially one of the tame and people acclimated alligators that lived in these ponds. But I was also diligent about keeping an eye on my pup and keeping him on a leash if needed to keep him safe. There weren't any fences to keep him safe, it was my job and he lived 13 years old. Yes, Ripley was a 90 pound Labrador Shepard mix and this might have been different for a 20 pound rat dog but it would have still been my responsibility to keep my pets safe. It was not my responsibility to remove an alligator that may or may not have been a threat to my pet when I was the one living in and impacting the alligator's home range. Wow. That sounds judgmental and preachy but maybe it is supposed to be. We are the intruders - not the wildlife. Unfortunately humans have a way of exerting their will on the planet in ways that isn't often beneficial to native wildlife.
Since living in Florida, I have waded countless hours through swamps, ponds, and rivers with alligators in them. Not once have I encountered an alligator that I felt threatened by. Not even when catching babies that were grunting for mom to come save them. Yes, I have caught alligators - not wrestling around like the Crocodile Hunter but still with my bare hands. Alligators are powerful predators but they are also very shy and retreating. This makes them extremely difficult to catch without hurting or injuring them, which is why I have never used a trap to catch an alligator. If I can't catch it with my hands without hurting the animal, I just don't catch it. Catching alligators was something I did in my younger, macho days and I don't think I would do it again unless my boys wanted to experience holding an alligator. I understand the need to catch things - here is a photo of my brother with an alligator we caught in Florida a few years ago so I guess am mistaken. I must still do the macho thing and catch them.
David with alligator
I can almost feel you appreciating my stories but I can also sense that my experiences just are not good enough to help you shed your fear of these amazing predators. I can hear you say "but Cameron, you are a herpetologist with tons of field experience. No wonder you aren't afraid of alligators". Yes, this is true but I want to tell you that no one has to fear alligators or snakes. I know that you lost a pup to a diamondback rattlesnake in the past. I know that this was painful but please understand that the snake wasn't attacking your dog. The snake was defending itself as it was being attacked. The same goes for alligators. Alligators don't decide to eat dogs or other pets - they actually prefer fish. We put our pets in danger by creating opportunities for an alligator to encounter our pets and this can be mitigated. We can protect our pets without killing snakes and alligators. And I have to add this here - statistically speaking, we have more of a chance of killing our pets with our own cars than they do of being eaten by an alligator. I can understand your fear but I also want to help you overcome it.
So what should you do if you have an 11.5 foot long alligator move into the neighborhood? Lots of things. Take pictures. Take videos. Research alligators. Talk about alligators. Learn that alligators have complex social hierarchies and that removing large males creates voids in the population structure. I don't want to scare you but removing large alligators actually opens up habitats for smaller alligators to exploit and it is the small, unseen alligator that often catches our pets. We can and should build a temporary fence to keep our pet critters from getting too close to the water and mixing with the wild critters. Predators such as alligators are very good at catching prey - they didn't get big by starving. But if we eliminate any potential encounters, they will become bored (or hungry) and move on to easier prey. A temporary fence is a great alligator deterrent because it eliminates any chance encounters. We can also research ways to safely disturb alligators so that they don't want to stick around. They may not be legal (I would need to check your local laws) but fireworks can be used to disturb a stubborn alligator. It isn't going to be an easy or overnight fix to convince an alligator not to live in your canal but it is a much better option than to remove a large apex predator from the social hierarchy of the ecosystem. Alligators are very long-lived and one that is over 11 feet long is likely over 30 years old. He has a high rank in the alligator world and may have even been top dog. Pretty impressive if you think about it.
I started this post with a quote from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi when Luke is awkwardly explaining to Leia that she is his sister. It is also going to help me share a success story that occurred in my family. "My father once had it" - meaning I think he is ready to let snakes live in his yard unharmed. I once got an email from my parents with a picture of a dead copperhead that they had killed in their yard. My parents built a home in the woods of eastern Tennessee where copperheads might just be the most common terrestrial snake. Still they had only seen this one copperhead in the 6 years that they had lived there at the time. But they killed it. In their email text, they apologized for killing the snake even if it wasn't a copperhead. This meant that they had killed it on the assumption that it was a copperhead because they weren't able to identify it before they killed it. I was furious! Not only had they killed a snake, they killed it before they knew what it was, and they killed it against my saying that "The Only Good Snake Is Every LIVE Snake". Even copperheads are great snakes to have around and their reputations are horribly and negatively exaggerated. Everything that I was trying to do (Conservation Through Education) had gone completely mute with my own parents. I was devastated. If I couldn't even convince my parents not to kill snakes, how could I educate others and make a difference for snakes? Thankfully, my brother took the lead on talking to my parents as I don't think I would have been very nice if I had responded. He even sent my father some snake tongs to help relocate any other copperheads that they might find. Well, they haven't seen anymore copperheads until just recently. My mother sent me a text a few weeks ago saying that she had seen a copperhead near her compost pile in their yard. She left it to go get my father so he could take a photo of it to send to me but when they got back, the snake had disappeared. In the meantime, I responded to her text with "Please do not kill it" and do you know what her response to me was? Well, it made me glow and shine with happiness - you can read it for yourself below. Everything was perfect - no killing snakes and the snake did exactly as predicted - it DISAPPEARED!
So, back to the alligator. I am pissed. I am really, really pissed. But I also know that we can learn to live with wildlife. We can educate ourselves to not fear the unknown but rather to embrace it. We can change Fear Into Fascination. My intent with this post is not to shame anyone although as I reread it, there is some shame in my words. Some of that shame is that I have not done enough to educate my own family about how we can coexist with critters and predators. My intent with this post was for me to talk out my disappointment and frustration that a 30 year old apex predator and ecosystem engineer died today because we fear the unknown. There are plenty of alligators that will take its place but that isn't justification enough for me. Fear of the unknown is human nature but we can (and should) educate ourselves to mitigate our fears. I just happen to be passionate about what I do and so I had to write it down. We can all live by my motto - "Conservation Through Education".
Nancy - I love you. Although I may not agree with your decision to have the alligator removed, I do understand that we fear the unknown and having a 11.5 foot long alligator living in your canal is a BIG unknown. Alligators are so poorly understood and there are so many false myths about the dangers they pose to us and our pets. It is hard to articulate my feelings especially since having a large predator call my yard home would be a thrill and highlight for me rather than fear and anxiety. It is like the time when I got a text from Heather that a great horned owl had killed a chicken. My reaction was "did you get video" rather than concern for my pet. Losing a chicken should not have been a highlight but predators simply amaze me.
I found my first ever Scarlet Snake at St. Joseph Peninsula State Park in Florida when I was 10 years old. It was a roadkill on the main drive of the park. I was there with my family and was learning at an early age that I could road cruise on my bike and find snakes. Scarlet snakes were not listed as occurring in the park so I showed my find to the ranger that would walk through the campground each day checking in with the guests. He was adamant that the snake I held dead in my hands was a scarlet kingsnake and I tried to educate him on the differences between the tricolored snakes of Florida. He wouldn't listen and all I wanted was to add a species of snake to the park's species list. I skinned the snake, salted and pinned the skin out to dry and kept it. I still have this skin somewhere in my old belongings. I might have to find it now. It seems I learned early on that people have their preconceived perceptions about snakes and that conservation through education is needed.
Guess what happens when you fast forward 30 years and revisit St. Joseph Peninsula State Park - you find the scarlet snake pictured here. I told that ranger that they occurred in the park!
Here is my formal announcement to the world - On January 3rd, 2017, I quit my job as an environmental consultant and I will never work on that side of the fence again. I hated my job in all aspects. I didn't like the company I worked for. I didn't like the the people that had been made in charge of me after my good friend and supervisor quit because of the company that bought us. I didn't like that I worked for the oil and gas industry that continues to abuse the system to make a few people rich. I didn't like my commute after they moved us into the new office after the buyout. I didn't like my workspace (I didn't even have a cubicle). Let's just say, my job was about the most negative thing in my life and I finally made the change to cut it out.
Now what?
Now I can focus on healing. Healing myself. Healing my mind. Healing my unhealthy body. Healing my relationships.
Now I can focus on snakes and their conservation. I can finally network without the fear of being caught and reprimanded by my employer (this did happen to me by the new company that bought the old one). I can finally be the Executive Director of the Center for Snake Conservation!
Now I can be happy. This past week has been eye-opening about how much stress and anxiety my job caused me. I am free. I haven't gotten into a good routine yet (meditation, workout, clean a little, make a snake video, etc.) but I am free. My entire outlook has changed. I am not penned down by something I do NOT believe in.
My only regret is not quitting my job 2 years ago when it was clear that negative changes where coming before I got to this point of no return. However, this is all water under the bridge now, I am free...
Cardamom Mountains Green Pit Viper "free and foraging in the wild"
