Tuesday, May 6, 2014


My youngest has a play streak 10 miles long.  Yes - he can be a cranky bastard but he also can be a very sweet and imaginative young man.  Today while picking up his older brother at school, he was picking the yellow dandelions and making exaggerated smelling motions with each one.  Then he saw them - the giant field of dandelions just waiting for the wind (or some little boy with a huge desire to make them fly).  I whipped out my iPhone and captured as much video as I could before the battery died (roughly 30 seconds - my battery was at 2%).  

This video is the result (remember to watch it in HD - I really wish YouTube made this the default):

I had my weekly brain fixing today as well.  I have missed the last two weeks because of work commitments so I was really ready for a good session.  Unfortunately, my session went into parts of my mind that questioned my ability to have fun.  For example, on my way home from Wyoming last week, I took a 30 minute break to look for some snakes.  I found the snakes I was looking for but in the end I felt shame for taking the time to have some fun for myself - lots of shame.  This shame has been eating me up all week and I am glad I got to talk about it.  NO ONE SHOULD EVER FEEL SHAME FOR HAVING GOOD, CLEAN FUN!  

I do - I always feel shame when I take time for myself.  It is part of my self-loathing, self-abuse, and self-punishment.  I don't deserve to have fun.  I shouldn't be taking time for myself.  I shouldn't ever take time away from work or family to get outdoors and be happy.  

On the flip side - I love to get outdoors with nothing but my thoughts.  No people, no worries (I am good at shutting these out when looking for snakes), no responsibilities.  The trouble is that the minute I let myself back into reality, the shame sets in and I BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MYSELF!  I am working through why I do this to myself and finding a solution that will allow me to have fun without the shame.

Look at the photo below.  My son is having uninhibited fun.  Sure he knew he was showing off for the camera but that did not matter to him - he was having fun.  No shame afterwards either.  He was all smiles on the way home and loves the video I made for him.  He is my role model for having fun without shame - all my boys are.

So where are you on the scale?  Are you a narcissist where the world revolves around you and your fun?  Or are you like me?  I hope you are somewhere in the middle and can enjoy yourself and have FUN without the negativity of shame.  I am working my way there.

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