My Life is a Contradiction

I just returned from a cellular dead zone and that always inspires a lot of introspective thinking.  I took the Lab's Field Members to Mills Canyon, New Mexico.  There isn't good cell reception within 30 miles of the canyon and even that is sometimes spotty.  I was completely offline for 96 hours.  So I got a chance to think and talk to new people about ideas, life, and of course, snakes.  While we were sitting around the campfire, we talked a little about the love languages of our children.  I had Ashton with me and his love language is touch - he absolutely loves siting in laps and snuggling.  My love language is also touch but that is where the contradiction lies.

About 10 years ago, I visited a good friend of mine from graduate school who now lives in Fort Collins.  When I walked in the door, his wife gave me a huge hug and I completely ruined everything.  My body went rigid and I failed miserably at returning her affection.  She was genuinely excited and happy to see me but I couldn't reciprocate despite being just as happy and excited to see her.  This makes no sense because my love language is touch.  Some people that know me well might disagree because they know I don't like to be touched but that is just a part of it. Quality time and affirmations are both up there in importance for me but nothing beats the affirmation that a simple and easy touch can give me.  But not just anyone can touch me...

There is that contradiction again. Cameron wants to be touched but doesn't?  This is where I thought and thought over the weekend.  How did this come about?  I am the youngest of five kids - I was probably over touched as a kid so now only reserve touching to those I really care about.  What are the situations where someone can touch me and I don't flinch like I did in Fort Collins?  There are really only two.  

The first one is easy - at the Lab.  Almost every day, a child at the Lab will climb into my lap or slide under my arm to get a better look at a snake or some other critter. I never flinch when this happens.  It actually magnifies what I am doing at the moment - TEACHING!  I know I am big, loud, and sometimes very excitable at the Lab when talking about snakes but to see a child so comfortable that they can climb into my lap to get a better look - that is my love language.  It fills my soul and reinforces my passion for teaching others about snakes.

The second one comes from someone that has been given at least some access into my inner world.  I never give complete access to this part of me (not yet at least) but some people know me well enough for me to allow them to touch me.  My college roommate is one of those people.  He can hug me.  He can grab my ass.  He can feel up my man boobs.  He even tries to make me uncomfortable with touch but he is so deep inside my inner world that his touches are love not annoyance.  An example of the opposite happened at the lab recently.  One of my volunteers gave me a hug and I froze again. I completely went rigid and I felt terrible because this volunteer was reaching out to me and telling me how much she appreciated the Lab.  Now I think the word is out to "not touch Cameron" and this is actually the opposite of what I want.  I may not want to hug you but touch is very important to me.  

So how should someone touch me if I let them? 

A hand on my shoulder or upper back is always welcome.  It tells me that you are engaged with me in whatever we are doing.  I can always tell if a kid at that Lab is in or has been at a Montessori school.  They use this sort of touch as silent communication and it works well with me. It is simple and very effective and for me, really affirms that we are on the same page.  It also affirms that you trust and like me enough to physically touch me.   

A more intimate touch that I probably won't allow any of you reading this blog do with me is to share an armrest.  I cannot stand to be touched on an airplane or bus by someone that I don't know but to bump elbows with someone I really like on an armrest is incredibly affirming to me.  Most of you are probably laughing at this right now and wondering how this could ever be considered an intimate touch.  Welcome to Cameron's inner world where things are complete contradictions.  Yes, touching elbows is nice.  

If you really want to push the touch boundaries with me, try leaning into me if we are standing next to each other.  I bet I step away very quickly.  If I don't, it means I trust you enough to allow our bodies to touch.  Yep. I am weird that way.  This lean is incredibly affirming to me and I read into it that you like me.  Actually, don't try this one.  See my life is a contradiction...

Now to throw a huge wrench into my love languages.  I have said that touch is my love language followed closely by affirmation and quality time.  That said, I love gifts despite the fact that I don't think that I am worthy of gifts so if my best friend brings me a bottle of tequila, it sends me for a total loop.  I don't know what to think.  I love it but it scares me senseless.  What does it mean?  Do I owe them something?  This is a really nice gesture but how should I act?  I try to say "thank you" but it rarely comes out right.  Someone likes me enough to give me a gift???  That is crazy talk and a huge contradiction to my beliefs about myself.  Seriously,  I rarely even drink the beer that people bring to my house although I appreciate it immensely. I prefer to drink my own beer because I do not know how to accept a gift.  My sister-in-law has been working on this one with me over the last several years but I still suck at it.  I love gifts - just don't be surprised if I try to give it back to you.  

Great Horned Owls and Milksnakes

I know I haven't blogged much recently (it seems like I start every blog post this way these days) but a lot has happened this spring that has prompted me to write tonight.  Let's just say that Great Horned Owls and Milksnakes have prompted me to write tonight.  Let's see where this goes.

Great Horned Owls are majestic yet mysterious birds.  There isn't much better late at night than hearing an owl hoot and then have it answered by another owl off in the distance.  I can lay in bed and just listen to them with a smile on my face wondering where they are and what they are doing.  That said, finding them in the daytime is incredible too.  I have spent many hours chasing owls this spring and actually come away with some incredible experiences.  People like to tease me about always lugging my video camera around but if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to capture my experiences to share with others.  I haven't made many videos lately but I have shared still images that I have captured with my camera.  These aren't the full immersion experiences I prefer to share but they are still a wonderful way to share my time in nature with the people I care about.

Great Horned Owl near Coal Creek

This brings us to milksnakes.  Milksnakes are the snake of 1000 rocks.  They are quite literally the diamond in the rough.  You have to be patient and persistent to find one and when you do, nothing else matters.  Fate is a bitch sometimes and the snake gods have been against me all spring but I finally found a milksnake just last week in the most unusual spot.  I was looking for bullsnakes along the dam of a lake and was completely content with having just found a pair mating.  I didn't need a change or anymore snakes.  I certainly didn't need a milksnake - I was happy with what I had found already and then BAM! - a milksnake was basking in the weirdest spot.  It was far from any anticipated home for this species.  It just swept me off my feet and completely threw me for a loop. Fate is a bitch but I certainly like her because she always brings the unexpected and the unexpected can be as amazing as finding a milksnake.  

Milksnake found when completely unexpected.

But, this is how Fate works.  I can't explain it.  But what matters is what you do after Fate choses you.   You have to embrace the opportunity.  You don't get that many that really matter.  You may get another chance to go flip rocks but you may not ever find another milksnake.

As a chronic rock flipper, I have learned to be disappointed in my life.  I have learned that not every rock has a milksnake.  They don't call them the snake of 1000 rocks for nothing.  I have learned that Fate likes to play tricks on you too.  Fate likes to watch you suffer as you flip and flip and flip and flip and flip and flip - well, you get the point.  That is where hope comes into play.  Hope that the next rock has a milksnake.

Hope.  That is a word I don't use very often.  It really isn't in my go to emotion bank.  I rarely have hope unless I am looking for snakes.  I feel hopeless in lots of ways throughout my life and that is probably why I am the way I am.  This is changing though.  A lot of people have invested in me lately and that creates hope.  It creates a future.  It creates success.  I am just struggling with this new hope being created in me.   I can flip rocks for hours hoping to find a milksnake.  That is easy.  But hoping for change in life is a lot harder.  I have made some serious drastic changes in my life hoping that they will all work out.  I quit a career.  I opened a unique and very different business.  All this was done on hope that it will all work out.  Yes, I have some amazing people supporting me but it is still hope that it works out that keeps me going.

So I guess I should wrap this up by saying that Fate might be a bitch but that I have hope that the next rock will have a milksnake.  But, you really shouldn't base your life on fate and hope.  That is why I won't stop flipping rocks.  I am willing to put in the work to negate fates hold over hope and find the damn milksnake myself.  This works for snakes.  Will it work in life?

Guys Who Give

Something incredible happened to me today and it has prompted a creativity inside of me that hasn't been there in years.  So I am writing.  Let's see where this goes but there are no guarantees this will be good or I will even finish it but I am writing.

Guys Who Give happened to me today.  I quit my career as a threatened and endangered species biologist for an environmental consulting firm on January 1, 2017.  That is right.  I walked away from a great paying and successful career without a real plan for a future.  I sometimes wonder if this was a mistake but what happened today today confirmed that I did the right thing.  Today I was given a $13,000 donation from Guys Who Give to help fund our programs at My Nature Lab.

I suffer every day from imposter syndrome in my chosen path.  "I am not an educator.  I am not a scientist.  I am not qualified for my job."  Those are the things that play on repeat in my head every day but today they were slammed to basement of my pile of shit by an incredible donation.  This donation means so much more to me than just giving My Nature Lab much needed funding.  It told me that people appreciate and value what I am doing at My Nature Lab.  This donation is truly a life changer for me.

I cried today.  I cried a lot today.  I am an emotional person but I really try to bury those feelings deep especially when asked about outdoor cats or palm oil (both will make me cry if I am allowed to talk freely).  I cried today.  I cried a lot today because I was overfilled and overwhelmed by the support that this donation gave me.  It justified my choice to quit my job, work at Home Depot for a year, and then open the doors of My Nature Lab.

We opened My Nature Lab on April 22, 2018 as the educational facility of the Center for Snake Conservation.  My vision was to have a place to teach people about snakes and other reptiles.  My vision was to reach 80,000 people annually with live snakes and other reptiles.  I firmly believe that you cannot appreciate, respect, or learn to love something without hands on experiences and we are showing that love is possible at My Nature Lab every day.

I have also struggled every day since April 22, 2018.  Imposter syndrome is very real.  I have cried.  I have stressed over money.  Every month, I pay the rent late.  In fact, I have paid most of our bills late because we just don't have the money and it took more time than anticipated to make enough money to pay them.  This is devastating for a young business.  This will kill you.  I have thought about quitting. I have thought about ending everything.

But I have kept going.  The lives I touch on a daily basis with our snakes has kept me going.  Last month, 1,725 people were touched by my programs.  The stories about kids playing My Nature Lab at home have made my heart swell.  The thank you letters we post at the Lab tell me we are making a difference.  The 50 5 out 5 Facebook reviews say we are doing it right.  The almost 400 families that have bought memberships to My Nature Lab keep me going.

But today.  Today was the day.  Today, 130 men each donated $100 to My Nature Lab. Today, Guys Who Give told me that they value what I am giving to our community in 13,000 ways.  Today, we received a $13,000 donation that will give us opportunities we haven't had before.  We can hire an educator.  We can give our programs to schools for free.  We can reach more kids and adults with live snakes and reptiles.  My vision of reaching 80,000 people is within reach.

Today, I cried.  I cried a lot.  I cried tears of overwhelming happiness.  I cried tears of success.  I cried because people appreciate me.  This is something I have not ever allowed before.  This is new for me.  I might now cry every day at the Lab and now you will know why I am crying.  I am crying because I am making a difference for snakes in this world.  I am crying because I love what I do no matter how tired it makes me.  I am crying for you to learn to love snakes.  I am crying for conservation.  I am crying because I am happy.

I am an Educator.  I am a Scientist.  I am Qualified for my job.  Thank you Guys Who Give.