Why Can't I Do Hard Things

I have experienced a lot of change in the last couple of weeks and I have had lots of time to reflect on why these changes were necessary.  It all comes down to one simple question - what were the hard things I didn’t do?

I have been asking myself that question and the list keeps getting longer.

Fun times.

It would be easier if the list was short. It would be easier if I could point to one thing and say, “Yep, there it is. That is where I screwed up. Fix that one thing and everything is better.”  But that is not how this works. The list is long because the pattern is old - very old. Basically, I haven't become the person I said I wanted to become; the person that I promised to become.  I have been making this promise for 30 years.

That is the hard thing.

After my divorce six years ago, I quit drinking. That was huge for me. I don’t want to minimize that because it mattered. It still matters. I was numbing my life with alcohol and I stopped. I made a decision for myself. Maybe one of the first and only big decisions I have ever made that wasn’t about keeping someone else happy.  Seriously.  I quit drinking to save myself and others questioned it many, many times yet it is the only decision that I stuck to for myself and only for myself.  

Let me say it again - I quit drinking.  I was a 6 pack a day kind of guy.  I was a 3 margaritas won't get me drunk kind of guy.  I didn't like wine but I could have had the whole bottle in a night kind of guy.  But I did it.  I quit drinking.

That was hard.

And then I think I made a mistake. I thought quitting drinking meant I had done the work. Nope.  The Universe had other plans and said that wasn't the work I was supposed to do to find me - the true me.

Now don't get me wrong, I had done some work. Important work. But I have not done the work I need to do and promised to do. I had stopped drinking, but I had not learned how to take care of myself. I had stopped the numbing, but I had not learned how to trust myself. I had stopped one of the escape routes that stood in my way, but I still had plenty of other ways to avoid the hard things.

Apparently I am creative that way. I went to therapy. I read books. I listened to podcasts. I talked about healing. I talked about growth. I understood things. I can explain codependency to someone else just using my life as the example.

But understanding something is not the same as changing it - ouch, that sentence fucking hurts especially since I am living with the consequences of not changing or growing where I needed it the most - in trusting myself and becoming the person I so desperately want to be.  Yes, I am using the word desperate because without change and growth, I will be stuck in my own shit.  This is not where I want to be and it took the last few weeks for me to not just realize it (I have always realized it I think), but to really fucking feel it.  I have really been feeling it and it hurts.

I have outsourced approval for most of my life. I wish that was an exaggeration. It is not. It started when I was a kid and continued throughout my entire adult life - destroying my self-worth in the process.  I needed permission for everything. What should I do? Is this okay? Can I eat this?  What do you want for dinner? Are you mad? Should I go? Should I stay? Should I work on this? Should I work on that?  Should I take a shower?  Yep - can you believe it, I have routinely asked for permission to take a fucking shower.

What. The. Fuck.

Now here is the biggest rub of all...  This is not how I want to live. This is not how I want to love. This is not how I want to run a business. This is not how I want to be a father. This is not how I want to be a partner.  This is not how I want to be a man.

But this is how I have lived my life.

I can see it now and I don’t like what I see. I made decisions because I wanted people to like me. I avoided decisions because I didn’t want people to be upset with me. I said yes when I should have said no. I stayed quiet when I should have spoken. I waited for someone else to tell me what mattered and then wondered why my life didn’t feel like mine.

If I really think about it (and I have had plenty of time to think about it these past few weeks), it is just crazy that this is who I am.  Imagine letting someone drive and then complaining when you do do not like how fast they drive, how slow they drive, how the take corners, where they park, or even when the car ends up stuck in the mud.  The crazy thing about this analogy is that I prefer to drive everywhere, all the time, regardless of who I am with.  I HATE being the passenger, yet, I have been the passenger in my own fucking life.  

What.  The.  Fuck.  

Not always. I am not going to turn my entire life into one giant failure story because that would be bullshit. I have done hard things. I have quit drinking. I have survived divorce. I have started over. I have built things. I built My Nature Lab.  I have opened doors when I was terrified. I have taught people to love snakes, which is not exactly the easiest job in the world.

So no, this is not me saying I have never done hard things.

I have.

But I avoided these hard things. The quiet ones. The boring ones. The daily ones. The ones that do not come with a cool photo or a good story or applause.  The ones that require me to make a decision and stand there while someone is disappointed. The ones that require me to plan ahead. The ones that require me to deal with money before everything is on fire. The ones that require me to have the uncomfortable conversation before resentment turns into a living creature in the room. The ones that require me to stop asking everyone else who I am supposed to be.

Those are the hard things I avoided.

And I made promises about those things. That is the part I keep coming back to. I promised myself (and others) I would become more grounded. More decisive. More dependable. More courageous. Someone who could be counted on when things got hard, not just when things were fun. Someone who could stand up for himself. Someone who could stand up for the people I love and the things that mattered. Someone who could fight for the life he wanted because he had finally learned how to fight for himself.

That last one is the killer. I have been thinking about that a lot. I never fought for the life I wanted because I have not learned how to fight for myself.  I was in the passenger seat even when the people around me and the people who loved me were all asking me to drive.  No.  They were telling me to drive and I ignored them.

That is not an excuse. This is not a victim story. It is not me blaming anyone else. It is just the truth as clearly as I can see it right now. But I have played the victim.  I have blamed others.  I have passed the weight.  I have said "but I asked for help".  The fucking point is that I should never have had to ask for help.  I should have been confident to make the right decision when it mattered.  No.  Don't get me wrong here.  Asking for help is courageous and incredible.  It is warranted so often - WE ALL NEED HELP.  My point here is that I used "but I asked for help" as an excuse to not do what was needed.  I used it to play the victim.

I guess my point is that I never built enough trust in myself to be steady. I envisioned steadiness. I envisioned strength. I wanted to be the guy who would say, “I’ve got this,” and actually have it mean something.

But envisioning and wanting is not becoming. Talking is not becoming. Reading is not becoming. Listening to a podcast while avoiding the thing sitting right in front of me is definitely not becoming. I wanted the outcome of growth without consistently doing the work of growth.  

There it is.  That is the ugly little sentence. I wanted the outcome of growth without consistently doing the work of growth.  The work that was true to myself.  I outsourced all of it and played the victim.

I wanted the outcome without doing the work.  Here is another rub - I know better than that in the field looking for snakes.  It is what makes me a damn good biologist.

You don’t just find a milksnake because you want to find a milksnake. You flip rocks. A lot of rocks. Most of them have nothing under them. Some have ants. Some have spiders. Some have a beer can from 1987. Some have dog shit still in the poop bag but someone wanted to hide it.  I have even flipped a $5 bill under a log in Indiana and a $1 bill my brother hid under a rock in Nebraska. Some rocks were so embedded in the ground that I am reminded that I am not 25 anymore.  But I still fucking flipped them over.

And then maybe, after a hundred rocks, or a thousand rocks, there it is - a milksnake that makes your college professor yell out " There is the mother fucker."

A milksnake - the snake of 1000 rocks.

I understand that kind of work. I understand waiting for a snake to come out of a hole. I understand setting up a camera and recording for an hour (sometimes 4 hours) just to get for two seconds of something incredible. I understand sitting still long enough to see what most people miss.  That is what I can do. I know how to do that.

So why didn’t I do that with myself? Why didn’t I flip the rocks inside my own life? Why didn’t I sit still with discomfort long enough to learn something?  Instead, I would guess what others wanted and do that to make them happy regardless of who they were.  Why did I keep walking around and avoiding the same hard things and then act surprised when they were still there?

I don’t know.  Fuck.  I am now crying as I write this because I do know.  I have always known...

Because those things were not fun. They did not feel adventurous. They did not make me feel special. They did not give me the quick hit of approval that comes from being helpful or funny or exciting or wanted or needed.  They don't give me the dopamine rush that I am addicted to.

They were just work.

Quiet work. Adult work. Real work. The kind of work nobody claps for or says thank you for. I avoided that work.

Here is the third rub - I confused being agreeable with being loving. I confused being helpful with being dependable. I confused avoiding conflict with keeping peace. I confused needing approval with connection. I confused insight with change.

Those are not the same things. Being agreeable is not being loving. Being helpful is not being dependable. Avoiding conflict is not keeping peace. And knowing all of this is not change.

FUCK!!!!!

That one hurts.

Because I do know what works. I can be introspective and see how I have gone off the rails (more like stalled and avoided the tracks completely) in my growth as a person, a partner, and a friend.  I can sit around and think about myself all day long. I can write about it. I can talk about it. I can make it sound meaningful. I can make it sound like progress.  This is just gross.

But all my insight that does not turn into action is just another form of procrastination. And I am really good at procrastination.

Procrastination has dominated my life. I have even procrastinated my own healing. Read a book instead of making the decision. Listen to a podcast instead of having the conversation. Write about accountability instead of doing the thing I am accountable for.  Think about growth instead of growing.

What. The. Fuck.

That is annoying and I get it. But it is also useful. Because now I can see it. And if I can see it, I can stop pretending I don’t see it.

I am not writing this because I think writing fixes anything. It doesn’t. I can't change the past.  I am not writing this because I want to punish myself. I have done plenty of that and it has not made me better. Shame does not make me more reliable. Calling myself names does not make me more courageous. Beating myself up is not accountability.

True accountability is different and I am finally figuring it out. Accountability is doing the thing after the insight. Accountability is making the decision. Accountability is keeping the promise. Accountability is having the conversation. Accountability is paying attention before everything catches fire. Accountability is learning how to disappoint people and survive it. Accountability is not asking for permission to exist - it is existing in the way that I want to exist.

I can now finally see what I need to do now.  The work is real. No more talking about who I want to be. Not promising to change. Not performing growth so someone else believes me.  I am done with outsourcing my self-worth.  My self-worth comes from within me and I am definitely worthy.

So what needs to happen.  Well, for starters, actually fucking doing it. One decision at a time. One uncomfortable conversation at a time. One kept promise at a time. One rock at a time.

Maybe there is a milksnake under the next one. Maybe there isn’t. Flip it anyway.  That is the only way to change.  Keep flipping rocks until I get it right...

Dog Training

I got a dog a year ago and he is wonderful.  Rocket is a loving but very high energy Labrador Retriever.  I wasn't really training him and I can't explain why especially since I really like watching and having a well trained retriever.  But that doesn't mean it is too late.  We have bumped up his training lately and he is really taking to it - like all Labs do.  Every morning, Rocket wakes me up and we head down to the middle school.  I through the bumper for him and he shows off just how fast he is.  We have fun but it is time to turn him into a well oiled retrieving machine.  His training starts on August 15th.  Why wait until then?  Well, he is at a kennel starting tomorrow while I attend a family reunion and then he will be having his balls cut off on August 11.  Yes - I decided to have him neutered.  So stay tuned for updates and videos about Rocket and his training journey.

Procrastivity

 I learned a new word today - procrastivity.  It means "an activity that one does to avoid doing another task".  I learned it from my ADHD app that I bought 3 months ago and am just now using.  And it describes me perfectly.  

I procrastivity everything.  From paying bills to writing proposals.  It doesn't mean that I don't get those things complete - it just means that I do something else before the task that I am supposed to be doing.  I recently learned that I have a rebel personality from a podcast that I listened to and followed it up with the quiz for personality types.  This rebel personality is a part of my procrastivity.  

Strange word but it does describe me perfectly.  I will go record new videos instead of finishing the ones I am working on.  I will go for a run before I walk my dog.  I will go to sleep rather than check my email.  Fun times.

I have been working with bullfrogs all summer long.  It has been an experience and I am learning a ton.  I have learned more about bullfrogs that I thought possible.  My favorite procrastivity has been to go catch more bullfrogs rather than enter the data I have already collected or conduct the literature review needed for the papers I hope to write this winter.  I have learned that you can catch a bullfrog with a piece of red cloth or a turtle lure.  I have caught them by hand.  I have caught them with nets.  It has been a blast.  It has been my procrastivity...

Hunt to Eat - First Attempt - January 11

Yesterday was our first attempt at Hunt to Eat and we are starving.  Jackson and I decided to try and hunt rabbits.  Our plan was to drive to my snake hunting areas and try our luck on a State Wildlife Area out there.  As we we driving, I remembered another SWA closer so asked Jackson if he wanted to try it first.  We ended up spending the entire day there (well half a day because when hunting with an 18 year old, he didn't want to leave until after 11am).  

As we were driving into the parking lot, a rabbit runs down the edge of the road.  Jackson saw it first and I haven't heard that sort of excitement out of him in a long time.  He was ready for the hunt and this rabbit had to be a good sign of what was coming.  We park and read the regulations one more time to make sure that we could hunt rabbits on this SWA that is more geared for waterfowl hunting.  Good to go.  We start hiking.  

Rabbit sign EVERYWHERE!  It had snowed the night before and that made seeing the fresh rabbit tracks pretty easy.  THEY WERE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE.  But no rabbits.  We decided to switch tree rows.  As we approach the new row of trees, Jackson spots a rabbit on the edge of a very thick patch of Russian olives in a shrub form filled with tumbleweeds.  He calls out excitedly to me and I rush over.  I can't see the rabbit but Jackson still had his eyes on it.  It moves.  I see it.  The shot isn't an ethical one (way too many branches between us and the rabbit) so I tell Jackson to wait.  I hand him the .22 I was carrying because we were close and told him if he can shoot the eye, to shoot.  We never saw the eye as it jumped deeper into the thick and impenetrable cover.  In hindsight, I should have given him the instructions to shoot any rabbit on sight because he had seen this one before it got deep into the cover.  All I could think about was Brer Rabbit and his Rabbit Patch for the rest of the day. 

We switch parking lots and as we are eating our lunch, Jackson yells out again.  He spots a rabbit in the damn parking lot!  Of course we can't shoot it here but we talk a big game about it.  We take this as another sign that our luck will change.  It didn't.  After walking and walking with long breaks of staring into the brush where there are lots of rabbit tracks, we see nothing.  No live rabbit - not a single one. They knew we were coming and hid very well.  In hindsight, my decision to stop at the SWA was a bad one.  It was clear that these rabbits knew to avoid humans.  We are at the end of the season and they have been hunted hard all year long.  These rabbits are survivors.  We need to find a new spot to hunt.

So I got to spend time with my oldest (rare these days) and I walked a lot on rough and uneven ground.  Those are positives.  I also over exposed all the videos and photos I took yesterday’s except for the photos I used in this post.  Even the rabbit one is severely overexposed but computer processing made it usable.  I am taking the day as a positive because I learned something about my camera.  Oh - we also saw two different pairs of Great Horned Owls.  It was a good day.

Run Streak Broken - January 5

I intentionally ended my run streak yesterday.  It was impeding my personal challenge for better health - yep, that is right, running was impeding my goal.  Sure I was running every day but I wasn't training.  I wasn't making myself better. I would get out and run my mile so that my streak stayed alive and while it felt good, I didn't have the motivation or will to improve.  My run streak was also keeping me from other things such as hiking, biking, weight lifting, and even rest.  So I ended it but that doesn't mean I am quitting running.  Actually, it means that I will become a better runner.  Today I start a training plan for a half marathon.  I don't have a race planned but for the next 12 weeks, I will run with purpose.  I will be training for something.  I will also be riding my bike on days when I am not running and escaping into my home gym (in the garage) to strength train.  So sometimes ending something leads to something better.  Oh!!!!  I really like that - ending something to find something better.

I am not sure if I will be able to get out to find birds today (I have a lot to do as we are opening the Lab for more hours each week and I want to teach an online herpetology course for adults this winter).  But I did see a bunch yesterday but only got decent photos of two species.  Here they are:

American Kestrel

American Tree Sparrow

 

Bird Update - January 3

Wow - photographing birds is hard but I am definitely having fun.  Some of the difficulty is me trying to learn a completely new camera and lens system.  Hopefully that will pass.  The other hard part is light is never perfect and birds fly.  In fact, they NEVER stop moving.  They remind me of my dreams at night - high speed images just flying past my eyes without ever letting me focus on one thing.  But when you get a photo, the image is incredible (sometimes - okay, one out of 1000 times).  So here is an update from my brain as I haven't kept a bird list yet - something I should probably start in this challenge - daily bird lists.

First bird I photographed in my challenge was a Blue Jay that I baited onto my back porch.  After a lot of deliberation, this will not count as my Blue Jay photo because I cheated.  But if its butt wasn't covered in poop, I may have made a different decision.  Since bait isn't allowed, I guess that also excludes the Red-breasted Nuthatch that showed up at my feeder.

Blue Jay

Red-Breasted Nuthatch

I got out yesterday and sat next to a creek for an hour or so hoping that a kingfisher would give me a shot at a photo.  Didn't happen but I photographed some Canada Geese and a few ducks. Nothing to write home about but still got the photos.  This brings me to what exactly counts as a photo.  I have decided that anything does but I will upgrade the photos as I get better ones throughout the challenge year.  I don't have a website yet for this challenge or my photography but I will soon.  The site will keep track of the best photos that I get but I will try to post the shitty ones too (until I can upgrade them).  Here are some examples of photos I plan to upgrade.

Canada Goose

That leads me to today.  I got out in the morning and found a few raptors, a chickadee, a Northern Flicker, and the best photo so far in the challenge - a female Brewer's Blackbird.  The photo isn't perfect but the bird is a good find although now I am on the hunt for a male.  I spotted other birds today such as a Hooded Merganser and Great Blue Heron but didn't take their photos (hence the need for a daily bird list).

Great Horned Owl

Immature Bald Eagle

Red-tailed Hawk

Okay folks - that is the start of my challenge.  I hope you had as much fun as I did and we will see what tomorrow brings.

Brewer's Blackbird

Personal Challenges - January 1 2021

I don't make New Year Resolutions.  I may have at some point in my life but they just set myself up for disappointment, self loathing, and ultimately depression so I just don't make them anymore.  For years, I haven't viewed the new year with much optimism.  My best new year in recent memory was probably January 1, 2017 when I submitted my resignation to my consulting job.  I didn't even give two weeks notice - I just never went back to work (although I did email them and told them that). 

So today, I have made several personal challenges to myself.  I like finding things and so my challenges will be hard but not impossible and all involve finding things.  I guess they are non-traditional resolutions (although number 1 is probably pretty traditional).  Here they are:

Challenge Number 1 - I challenge myself to find ways for better health.  This challenge doesn't have any measurable goals or even accountability tied to it but I have been brainstorming and dreaming of ways to find better health for myself.  This includes both physical and mental health.  I like to run.  I want to lift weights again.  I love to eat good food.  I like to write.  This challenge will give me opportunities for all of that in a nutshell (nuts are an approved food for my new caveman ideology - see below).

I went through hell in 2020 - Divorce, covid, business stress, stress for my children, and a lot of self loathing.  So, how do I even combat that in 2021? I need to write more.  Try to write daily.  Write about my feelings.  Write about what makes my body tingle.  Write about what makes me smile.  Write about what makes me cry.  JUST WRITE.  Simple without any consequences for not writing.  I just want to write and see where it takes me.  Maybe even write a steamy love novel (just kidding, or am I?).  "Just write, Cameron" - that is my motto. 

The second part of the better health challenge is my physical health.  I got a huge jump on that in 2020 by breaking my relationship with sugar  and alcohol and I lost almost 30lbs.  I don't remember my heaviest weight in 2020 but it was near 225lbs.  I weighed myself this morning after a really bad week of eating poorly (holiday sugar) and was 195.2lbs.  I still have 20lbs that I want to lose and probably will lose that weight easily if I just stay away from sugar.  I don't know if I will ever drink alcohol again mostly because I use it to numb myself and hide from reality.  I don't want to live that way again even if my feelings are so much more intense without it.  I don't need it and it makes me feel like shit.  I recently learned that my body reacts really poorly to gluten - it makes my entire body ache and hurt (try not eating gluten for a month and then eat it again - you will find out how you react to it).  So that is also an easy health choice for me in 2021 - just avoid gluten.  The last part of this second part of Challenge 1 is to eat more foods that haven't been processed at all.  We all talk about it - just shop the outside of the store and avoid the aisles.  No processed foods.  Eat like a caveman.  If you can find it in the wild and eat it raw, it is okay to eat.  If it has to go through a processing plant and get created by humans, don't eat it.  My boys are board with more hunting and fishing to help me with this endeavor.  We are going fishing today (hopefully but it is cold and we have to find open water as we aren't ready to take on ice fishing) and rabbit hunting next weekend.  We want to see if we can harvest our own meat.  This phase really won't be in place until next September when the big game seasons open but we can fish and go after rabbits for the time being to supplement what we can buy from a butcher.

So there is my challenge Number 1 - Better Personal Health.

Challenge Number 2 - I want to improve my photography and videography.  I recently purchased new cameras and lenses.  Professional ones.  The ones from my Dream list.  So my challenge to myself is to take photos of 365 different species of birds in 2021.  This is an average of one a day and that sounds daunting but I have a trip planned to the Bahamas in May and this challenge will also force me out of my Colorado safety net.  It will mean a few weekend road trips to see more things and this will naturally improve my mood.  I also want to sell my photography and/or videography services so I will be starting a new business.  I don't have a name yet and I don't even know how to do it but I am putting it out there.  I think I want to focus on animals and could target people's pets as subjects but this will grow, evolve, and thrive as the year goes.  It will be fun to just get out and take photos/videos and I can always use them in my own business even if I never sell a single photo (like this photo of a tegu).  Plus taking photos/videos of 365 different species is an awesome challenge and so much fun.  I will have enough photos to make a calendar for 2022 or who knows what else.  It is getting out in nature, with my cameras, finding critters, and making myself happy.  So much better than sitting on the couch worrying about my future and the future of my children and if they will be happy.  So much better than anything else that I can think of right now.  I will probably add to this challenge as the year progresses with maybe mammals, reptiles, fish, and amphibians (the other vertebrate classes) but birds will get me started.

That is it - two challenges.  Both vague enough to go in any direction that feels good and both with enough structure to be a challenge.  Both will make me happier and help me with discovering myself.  I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I am and I don't know.  I have ALWAYS outsourced approval of who I am, what I do, and where I go.  These challenges will help me find self approval and to hell with everyone else's opinion unless I ask for it.  These challenges are non-negotiable for others to comment on - they are what I want to do.