FUN!

FUN!  We all take life way to fucking serious - I know I do.  Without laughter, smiles, and a ton of fun, life is just a boring monotony that, well, speaking frankly - JUST SUCKS!

So today I looked at the thermometer and saw that the needle was right at the zero degree mark.  Hmmm - what could I do for some fun with it being this cold?  That is when I saw my GoPro video camera sitting next to me on its tripod just begging to be used.  So.......what does this mean for me?????

Obviously the answer is a quick streak in the backyard.  Since there was snow on the ground - I added a roll to enjoy every moment of the streak.  I hope the neighbors enjoyed the show!

The moral of this all is that when an opportunity for a streak in the snow "pops" up, you better not let the moment escape - I promise you that the smiles, laughs, and shrinkage you will get from 6 seconds naked in the snow are well worth it.   Please enjoy the video below of my fun this morning!  :)

Discomfort to Pain to Panic

Have you ever watched someone proceed through the process of going from discomfort to pain to panic?  I did.  I actually witnessed two men this morning go through this process.  It was quite interesting and I will never understand why you would willingly do this to yourself but for some crazy and unknown reason both of these men did just that.

I got to the bus stop this morning at about 5:55 am to catch the 5:57am BMX (Boulder to Market Street Station Express) into Denver.  I lined up as usual at the end of the chain of folks waiting for the bus.  I gave the woman next to me a polite nod and noticed how well she dressed for the cold.  Mind you, it was -4 degrees F this morning so it was butt-assed cold.  She was wearing a long down jacket that went down past her knees, a heavy wool hat, and an incredible scarf.  She probably thought I was really creepy because I check checking out her scarf.  Her scarf completely fascinated me.  The scarf wrapped around her neck but also had a built in facemask that covered her mouth, cheeks, and nose.  It was pretty stinking cool.  I googled it but I can't find anything like it.  She may have made it herself by combining a long scarf with a facemask.  All I know is that I thought it was pretty cool.

Facemask that could potentially sewn into a scarf.

As I stood there, warm as can be because I was properly dressed, two men lined up next to me.  I wanted to take their picture right then and there.  Both men were wearing light jackets and no hats.  One of the men had on thin leather gloves but the other man was gloveless.  As they lined up it was clear that they were cold.  WTF - of course they were cold, it was -4 degrees and they were dressed like it was 60!

Their discomfort then started.  I could see it in their faces and body language as they shifted their weight from foot to foot more often than was necessary.  Discomfort is not a big deal - we have all experienced discomfort from being dressed inappropriately either when it is hot or cold but these guys took it to the extreme.

Jacket just like the men were wearing

Then came pain.  This feeling was easy to see when they started stamping their feet slowly and it gathered speed as the time ticked by.  They shook their hands.  Moved their hands to cover their ears.  You know that pain when the cold sets in - nothing you can do about it if you are standing still.  These guys were standing still.  Eventually they both started bouncing on their toes while stamping trying desperately to get their blood flowing to get warm.  All I could do is shake my head and mutter to myself, "what dumbasses" as I stood there warm as could be.

Then came panic.  Well the bus was over 10 minutes late which is normal when there is snow and ice on the roads.  These two men should have realized that and dressed for the cold.  When the panic set in, I could see it in their eyes.  They both had the "deer in the headlights" look and kept looking for the bus with quick glances back to their cars.  Both men were visibly animated trying to raise their heart rates to get warm - they were almost jumping in place and shaking their arms viloently.  I am sure both were thinking about frostbite on their ears (or at least they should have been).  You could clearly see it - both men were panicking that the bus may never come.  You could see (and I bet you could have smelled it too) the fear in them.  Complete panic had taken over their minds.  I expected them to both take off sprinting for their cars but just as they were reaching their limit of fear and cold, the bus magically appeared out of the dark. 

Frostbite on an ear

So why would these men dress so poorly on such a cold day?  Are they macho freaks?  Are they stupid?  Are they insane?  I will never understand why anyone would ever do this to themselves when it is easy to dress warmly.  I was dressed for the cold and was perfectly content standing there waiting for the bus. Here is my get- up:

• Upper body - long-sleeved t-shirt, a fleece, my windproof jacket, and the extremely warm liner to my hunting coat 
• Lower body - boxer briefs, running tights on under my jeans.  
• Feet - two pairs of socks (one wicking covered with a thick wool pair) and insulated boots
• Head - a windproof running hat, fleece hat, and jacket hood 
• Hands - a pair of thin running gloves as well as my lobster claw cycling gloves covering them. 

I was perfectly content as I watch those two men suffer miserably. 

All my clothes needed to stay warm in -4 degree air

Why?  I will never know but this morning's experience gave me an opportunity to watch two men go through the process of discomfort, then pain, then panic.  I was quite fascinated by their behavior and really wish I could have photographed or videoed their _______ (you can fill in the blank describing these foolish men). 

My Christmas List

I thought it would be a great idea to publish my Christmas List.  This way Santa will be sure to see what I really want for Christmas this year.  Don't worry, I am also sending Santa the list in the mail.

I will be adding to the list as we approach Christmas so be sure to keep visiting this blog post!

Cameron's Christmas List

1. Something I cannot ask for right now
2. Something I cannot ask for right now
3. Something I cannot ask for right now
4. Something I cannot ask for right now
5. Something I cannot ask for right now
6. Something I cannot ask for right now
7. Something I cannot ask for right now
8. Something I cannot ask for right now
9. Something I cannot ask for right now
10. Something I cannot ask for right now
11. Indoor/outdoor thermometer
12. Garmin Forerunner 10 Watch - orange and black model
13. GoPro Battery BacPac Limited Edition for Hero3
14. Chippewa 17" Waterproof Snakeboots
15. Book - The Venomous Snakes and their Mimics of Panama and Costa Rica by Julie Ray et al. 2013
16. Book - Snakes of Costa Rica by Alejandro Solorzano
17. Running socks
18. Cycling socks
19. Performance compression boxer briefs
20. Light weight and rugged monopod for field work
21. Camera and gear backpack for field work - I still need to figure out which one I want
22. Power tower
23. And lots and lots of surprises 

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to hurt you.

This blog post is in response to my earlier post - You Know Who You Are...  In my previous post, I talk about someone (myself) making me happy only to turn the tables on myself to make me sad.  This blog is full of accusation and anger.  It is intended to be that way.  I need to heal.  I need to be angry.  I am starting to wear my emotions on my sleeves.  I am risking everything.  I am learning who I am and how to have relationships again.  This is not easy.  This will include a lot of failure.  This will include a lot of pain.  I can no longer internalize these emotions.  I must let them out.  You know who you are...

I never meant to hurt you.

We make mistakes.  As humans, we make a lot of mistakes. I have always felt that my whole life has been one mistake after another.  I have procrastinated this, not done that, missed a deadline, or let someone down.  The list goes on and on.  I historically shamed myself and internalized any mistake I made no matter how big or small.  Small mistakes shut me down for hours or a day.  Big mistakes shut me down for days.  Huge mistakes have shut me down for months.  Some mistakes I have made still haunt me years later.  One skill I have never learned is to just let it go and forgive myself.  So that brings me to this blog post.

I never meant to hurt you.  

This is something said by all of us at one point or another in our lives.  Do we really mean it when we say it?  I suspect that varies with our anger or the pain caused.  I know when I have said it, I have meant it.  I don't say this phrase very often because it has such deep meaning to me and if it is overused, I believe its meaning is diminished.    I have heard others abuse this phrase to get forgiveness for just about any mistake they make - this bothers me.  I also have a hard time asking for forgiveness because of my ingrained belief that it is all my fault anyway.  I am learning every day.  

I never meant to hurt you.

I assume a lot.  I assume people don't like me.  I assume I am in trouble.  I assume I have done a shitty job.  I assume I am a bad father.  I assume I have done something wrong.  I always am negative with my assumptions which is very, very painful after a lifetime of doing this.  I have made assumptions that have damaged my relationships.  I have made assumptions that I hope I can repair.

I never meant to hurt you.

I have hurt myself.  I have hurt others.  I am hurting others right now with this blog.  As I heal, I am starting to assume positive things for myself.  This will cause me to hurt others by assuming too much. at times.  I need to write that again.  I will make assumptions for what I want that will hurt others.  I really need to be careful with my new assumptions as I move away from the negatives listed above.

I never meant to hurt you.

I need to say this to myself over and over as I heal.  I need to make positive assumptions and repeat affirmations.  I need to mend relationships that I have ruined based on my assumptions of opinions about me.  I need to ask for forgiveness with the people in my life.

I never meant to hurt you.

I suck at relationships.  I really, really suck at them.  I fail too often.  Promise too little.  Say too much.  Make poor assumptions.  I suck at relationships.

I never meant to hurt you.

Before these words can be spoken, there must be pain.  Not physical pain (hopefully) but the pain that comes with caring.  We can hurt ourselves like I have done my whole life or we can hurt others that are important to ourselves.  Pain sucks, anger sucks more, eventually healing occurs.  Pain is an emotion that leads to anger.  Perfectly normal.  Anger sucks but it leads to healing.  It is this period of healing where the words "I never meant to hurt you" are most powerful.  They can lead directly back to anger which is okay as the healing process takes a long time.  Anger is a valid emotion to these words but please accept them.

I never meant to hurt you.

I have to believe this when I say it.  If I don't, I may ignore it completely, blame myself, and damage my relationships further - especially my relationship with myself.  These words can also lead to forgiveness and reconnection.  Remember - these words are powerful and VERY hard to accept at the wrong time.  If you hear them or say them to yourself, be willing to listen and accept them.  

I never meant to hurt you.

I can only hope that these words are heard.  Heard by me, those that I care about, and those that care about me.  I am sorry for hurting you.  I am sorry for assuming too much.  I am sorry that I have never learned to love.  I am sorry I suck at relationships.  I am sorry I cannot explain myself very well.  I wish I could take it all back and start over.  I am sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.

The future holds so much for me.  It is full of incredible experiences and relationships.  I am excited for my future and how you may be a part of it.  I can only hope my words are heard, pain turns to anger, and anger turns to forgiveness.  The future holds so much.

True Beauty

True beauty is something very difficult to put down on paper.  Think about it for a while.  What really is beauty? After you think about this start moving towards true beauty and the definition becomes even more clouded.  Each of us has a different perspective of what we think is beautiful which comes from our history, exposures, and experience with things in this world.  Simply put, beauty is a very subjective word.

Sunset on December 1, 2013 taken from my front porch 

I have been around the world.  I have seen poverty.  I have seen wealth.  I have seen places where the color of my skin was foreign to the people I was visiting.  I have been called mzungu and gringo.  I have seen things first hand that most people cannot even imagine other than things read in a book or seen on TV (if they are lucky enough to have these resources).  At the same time I believe I have a sense of beauty that is very different from anyone else's that may have also travelled the world.  Unfortunately, I did not realize this when I was travelling the world.  I have taken all these experiences for granted and did not learn what true beauty really is.

So what is true beauty?  True beauty is a feeling.  I define beauty in terms of how it makes me feel - not how attractive something is.   A feeling of passion, attraction, emotion, and fascination defines true beauty for me.  This can be in a person, place, or thing.  This can be seen, felt, tasted, or heard.  I am discovering that true beauty surrounds me everyday and with luck I can allow it to slow down my mind and calm or excite my emotions.

Unfortunately I have not always had this ability to see true beauty.  It was the advent of camera phones that sparked the realization of true beauty inside of me.  Without my ability to capture images and post them here, on Instagram, and Facebook, I do not think I would have discovered true beauty.  Sure I would see things like stunning sunsets, gorgeous women, art, and snakes that could be defined as beautiful but I was not seeing and feeling the true beauty of my world.  My addiction to taking photos has made it possible for me to record my daily experiences which ultimately has reached the dark places of my mind to show me that this world really has many, many things that are truly beautiful.
 

Now it is time to travel to world again to see and feel with photos what I have been missing or looking over in my life.  Before I do, I am going to let you into my mind briefly to see true beauty as I see it right now.

Snakes - As you probably already know, I find snakes stunningly beautiful - this includes all snakes even the ugly ones.  But is this superficial opinion a representation of true beauty?  Snakes are much, much more to me - they have an ability to change my mental state when I see, feel, and hold snakes.  Snakes are true beauty because I have a physical and emotional attachment to them.

Dawn - Dawn is true beauty.  Dawn wakes me up and refreshes me to tackle the new day.  I am recharged at the sight of the first light creeping above the horizon.  The light of dawn can have amazing colors that rival the best sunsets.  The air is crisp and fresh at dawn.  I typically see first light on my way to work each morning.  I have lost my dawns for the next two months as the days creep longer towards the winter solstice and then renew to longer days.  This time of year is the hardest on me but with this blog I am actually excited for the solstice and what comes afterward in 2014.  For now I will focus on the early morning calls of the Great Horned Owls, coyotes, and songbirds in my neighborhood in the pre-dawn hour.  These sounds can bring true beauty to the darkness of winter.

Colorado Dawn

Running - Running is true beauty.  I forget this when I fall into my black hole and quit running.  Why do I do this to myself?  Running is a beauty that makes me so happy.  Running is full of emotion:  happiness when outdoors on single-track trails; joy when I am alone with only my thoughts to distract me; pain when powering up a hill; love when I am running with Heather or another friend; satisfaction when a run is over; sadness that the run is over; and, anticipation for the next run.  Running is also absolute beauty in addition to true beauty but that will have to be another blog post.

The places I run are amazing!

Myself - As I move through this journey of my 40th year, I am learning that I am true beauty.  I am finding ways to communicate with myself, express myself, stand up for myself, like myself, and love myself.  This is true beauty.  Here are my legs just in case you have forgotten about them.

Family - Throughout my life, I have struggled having any sort of relationship with my family.  I kept quiet and withdrawn although I will bet my siblings may say otherwise.  Maybe this is because I was the youngest.  Maybe this was because of how I turned any emotion into myself instead of sharing it.  Maybe this was because I wanted to hide from disappointing anyone and everyone.  Who knows what happened but now as a father I am finding true beauty in my family.  I get to experience things for the first time again through the eyes of my boys.  I get to hold them.  I get to kiss them.  I get to love Heather and my boys knowing that they all will love me unconditionally no matter how broken I may feel at times.  As I grow myself, I will be learning to extend this feeling of true beauty to the rest of my family who I love but have not seen with true beauty.

My Family

Friends - As I have written in previous blogs, I have had trouble understanding friendships, how to make them, and how to keep them (see Southern Fried Chicken).  My best friend Trevor and his family spent Thanksgiving with us last week and then came back the next day to play Frisbee golf with the boys on Black Friday.  We then had a few beers as we enjoyed the sun that afternoon starting off in the backyard, moving to the front yard, and eventually ending up on the roof as we chased the sun for warmth.  Trevor reminded me that I do have friends and showed me the true beauty of our friendship.  Our friendship has lasted over 20 years with some amazing experiences shared and stories over-exaggerated.  True Beauty.

Chasing the sun with my Roof Friends - Trevor and my brother David

Friends 2 - I have another friend who struggles in many ways similar to me.  I have even had to physically drag him out of his house before just to get him into the sun.  He has since moved away from me and I find myself worrying about him a lot.  He is alone with only his girlfriend to support him in a strange city.  We occasionally will get into texting battles or connect on Facetime but I miss him.  It took him moving away for me to see the true beauty we share as friends.

Friends 3 - I have to add this category for a number of reasons.  I am looking forward to the true beauty of developing deep and meaningful relationships with new people. This includes people near and far; people I share a snake passion with; people I share fitness goals with; people I already know but have not learned to find friendship with yet; people who touch me emotionally through my blog; people who I just have to meet because they intrigue me.  These are the friends that I may never meet but can still count them as friends.  I would have NEVER even considered this before I started writing my blog.  NEVER!  But somehow I am opening the door to friendships no matter where they come from.  I believe I am starting to see the value and true beauty of what friendships mean and how to express my love to people outside of my inner circle.

Sunrise sent to me by a friend I have never met

True beauty includes all things that I just don't see but that make me feel and experience happiness.  I want to travel the world and capture these feelings of true beauty on film (okay - digital media).  I am ready to see the true beauty of all things.  I take pictures daily.  I share these with friends and family.  This has shown me the true beauty in many, many things.  Each one has its own feeling and meaning to me.  True beauty surrounds our lives but it has taken me 39 years to see and feel it. 

New friends in the true beauty of the swamps of south Florida looking for the South Florida Rainbow Snake

You Know Who You Are...

You know who you are...

You made me happy.  You made me intrigued me.  You made me smile.  You made me feel alive.  You made me see things I had never seen before.  You opened my mind to new experiences and opportunities.  You made me think.  You challenged me.  You made me laugh.  

You mad me mad.  You mad me sad.  You hurt me.  You mad me cry.  You said no to an amazing opportunity.  You closed to door.  You shut me out.  You caused me pain.  You mad me fight.  You lost your chance.

The statements above are a common conversation that I have had in my head about myself, a partner, a friend, and a coworker - but it really applies to many, many things.  I started this post with "you know who you are..." to speak with myself about the opportunities I have missed in my life.  If it also speaks to you then "you know who you are...".

Read the first paragraph again.  These are the positives.  

Now read the second paragraphs.  These are the negatives.

Living with regret sucks.  Living with pain is devastating.  The difference is that you can ease and eventually eliminate pain in your life to find happiness again but regret stays forever.  

I know - I have lived with regret for many, many years about many, many things.  I have never been able to open myself up the way I can today.  Today's openness gives me the opportunity to try new things, accept new challenges, and find new loves.  It also helps me identify my regrets from my past and the considerable pain they have caused me.  This pain is even more intense and powerful as I find myself and work through each regret in my life.  I know I will move past the pain but the regret - no, the regret will always be with me.

You know who you are...

Family Hike



Family Hike from Snakes on Vimeo.