I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to hurt you.

This blog post is in response to my earlier post - You Know Who You Are...  In my previous post, I talk about someone (myself) making me happy only to turn the tables on myself to make me sad.  This blog is full of accusation and anger.  It is intended to be that way.  I need to heal.  I need to be angry.  I am starting to wear my emotions on my sleeves.  I am risking everything.  I am learning who I am and how to have relationships again.  This is not easy.  This will include a lot of failure.  This will include a lot of pain.  I can no longer internalize these emotions.  I must let them out.  You know who you are...

I never meant to hurt you.

We make mistakes.  As humans, we make a lot of mistakes. I have always felt that my whole life has been one mistake after another.  I have procrastinated this, not done that, missed a deadline, or let someone down.  The list goes on and on.  I historically shamed myself and internalized any mistake I made no matter how big or small.  Small mistakes shut me down for hours or a day.  Big mistakes shut me down for days.  Huge mistakes have shut me down for months.  Some mistakes I have made still haunt me years later.  One skill I have never learned is to just let it go and forgive myself.  So that brings me to this blog post.

I never meant to hurt you.  

This is something said by all of us at one point or another in our lives.  Do we really mean it when we say it?  I suspect that varies with our anger or the pain caused.  I know when I have said it, I have meant it.  I don't say this phrase very often because it has such deep meaning to me and if it is overused, I believe its meaning is diminished.    I have heard others abuse this phrase to get forgiveness for just about any mistake they make - this bothers me.  I also have a hard time asking for forgiveness because of my ingrained belief that it is all my fault anyway.  I am learning every day.  

I never meant to hurt you.

I assume a lot.  I assume people don't like me.  I assume I am in trouble.  I assume I have done a shitty job.  I assume I am a bad father.  I assume I have done something wrong.  I always am negative with my assumptions which is very, very painful after a lifetime of doing this.  I have made assumptions that have damaged my relationships.  I have made assumptions that I hope I can repair.

I never meant to hurt you.

I have hurt myself.  I have hurt others.  I am hurting others right now with this blog.  As I heal, I am starting to assume positive things for myself.  This will cause me to hurt others by assuming too much. at times.  I need to write that again.  I will make assumptions for what I want that will hurt others.  I really need to be careful with my new assumptions as I move away from the negatives listed above.

I never meant to hurt you.

I need to say this to myself over and over as I heal.  I need to make positive assumptions and repeat affirmations.  I need to mend relationships that I have ruined based on my assumptions of opinions about me.  I need to ask for forgiveness with the people in my life.

I never meant to hurt you.

I suck at relationships.  I really, really suck at them.  I fail too often.  Promise too little.  Say too much.  Make poor assumptions.  I suck at relationships.

I never meant to hurt you.

Before these words can be spoken, there must be pain.  Not physical pain (hopefully) but the pain that comes with caring.  We can hurt ourselves like I have done my whole life or we can hurt others that are important to ourselves.  Pain sucks, anger sucks more, eventually healing occurs.  Pain is an emotion that leads to anger.  Perfectly normal.  Anger sucks but it leads to healing.  It is this period of healing where the words "I never meant to hurt you" are most powerful.  They can lead directly back to anger which is okay as the healing process takes a long time.  Anger is a valid emotion to these words but please accept them.

I never meant to hurt you.

I have to believe this when I say it.  If I don't, I may ignore it completely, blame myself, and damage my relationships further - especially my relationship with myself.  These words can also lead to forgiveness and reconnection.  Remember - these words are powerful and VERY hard to accept at the wrong time.  If you hear them or say them to yourself, be willing to listen and accept them.  

I never meant to hurt you.

I can only hope that these words are heard.  Heard by me, those that I care about, and those that care about me.  I am sorry for hurting you.  I am sorry for assuming too much.  I am sorry that I have never learned to love.  I am sorry I suck at relationships.  I am sorry I cannot explain myself very well.  I wish I could take it all back and start over.  I am sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.

The future holds so much for me.  It is full of incredible experiences and relationships.  I am excited for my future and how you may be a part of it.  I can only hope my words are heard, pain turns to anger, and anger turns to forgiveness.  The future holds so much.