Wasted Time - November 29

I forgot to write again yesterday but I was making videos so maybe that counts.  The only trouble is that the videos I make aren't about my journey and healing.  They are about snakes and other wildlife.  I wonder if they have the same effect though as I don't feel the need to write if I am recording and making videos.  Well - more recording videos.  The making part is fun too but that is also a bit of work (only because I am stuck inside on a computer).  The being in nature and secretly recording wildlife (if I am doing it right, it is a secret to them) doing what they do in nature naturally is the therapy part.  It makes me so happy.

But...  Isn't there always a but?  The but is that I have been conditioned and told over the years that spending time in the woods it a waste of time.  From as long as I can remember, people would tell me that looking for snakes was a waste of my time.  Lots of people too.  Friends, parents, teachers, professors, lovers - they all have made comments that looking for snakes so much makes me irresponsible.  That I should be doing something productive instead.  It wasn't that going out was discouraged.  No - I think I was told to go outside (maybe to get me away them).  It was the amount of time that I did it that was frowned upon.  I could spend hours and hours sitting in one spot waiting for a snake to reemerge from a hole.  Literally HOURS and I think this is what wasn't understood by anyone and can be viewed as a waste of time; that I should be doing something better with my time.

But...  And this but is in my favor.  This but is about what I learned and gained from sitting for hours waiting for a snake to emerge from a hole so that I can take its picture.  I learned about the snake.  I learned its habits.  I learned how it behaves without human interference.  I learned how it interacts with other snakes.  I got to witness things that no one else has witnessed (well - no one else except for the people like me).  And it isn't just snakes.  I once got video of a porcupine walking down a road at 2am in the middle of nowhere.  I got video of an opossum that was on the verge of playing dead (I didn't push it over the edge just for my video but I sure wanted to).  Just recently, I spent hours luring a squirrel into my house just to feed it a peanut.  The one thing that I haven't been very good at making videos of is birds.  Birds require a longer lens and a lot more patience.  Well, a different kind of patience.  They are constantly moving and flitting about making set up for videos difficult.  I prefer to set up my camera and leave it running.  Birds you have to follow around and get what you can when you can.  But I am going to try.  It will be a fun challenge.

Sitting and watching wildlife is my therapy.  It is better for me than anything else.  I need to end the feelings of guilt and shame that come with it though.  Those were projected and given to me from other people.  Those aren't my beliefs.  Those aren't my feelings.  Those aren't mine to own.  Being in nature with my camera makes me feel good.  That is what I need to focus on - the good feelings.  I need to focus on what makes me happy and NOT what other people think about me.  They can go fuck themselves and their opinions.  I am going to go outside and sit for HOURS in nature.