Can't Stop The Sun

First things first - before I get into the heart of this post, you have to watch this short video (less than a minute).

Now that you have seen my short video, let's talk about it.  If you didn't watch, well, you aren't very good at following directions, are you?

In the video above, I start off very sad.  I don't know why but I was SAD!  Fucking miserable kind of sad.  A sadness had taken over my body and mind and was dragging me down to the depths of Tartaras (Percy Jackson reference to the darkest, deepest abyss of the Underworld).  But my year plus of therapy kicked in and I started to question my sadness.  Where was it coming from?  Why was it there now? What did I need to do to start the long climb out of Tartaras?  

I find myself smiling in my selfies when I am dreaming and planning my future!

I needed to take a few selfies! I knew that if I took a few selfies, I would find my smile before too long.  I hate looking sad in selfies regardless of how I feel inside.  I quickly powered up my GoPro but it was hard to turn the camera on myself right out of the gate so I filmed the HWY 36 construction.  I then made the first SAD selfie video.  I didn't know I was so freaking sad until I watched it later - wow!  I am surprised I made it to the bus stop this morning being that low.  

WAIT A SECOND!  I can hear those of you that actually watched my video yelling at me now.  The first clip in the video is of me - not the construction site.  Yes.  You are right but I never told you how I put the video together - just how I filmed it.  Can I get back to my story now?

10 minutes pass and I decide I need to do another selfie video.  I tell myself to smile and look happy.  Did I fool you?  Is the second selfie clip happy?  Certainly it is MUCH happier than the first clip.  I then filmed the sun at the end of the video as we sped along at 70 mph in the HOV lane.

My goal then switched from taking the selifes to finding a way to use the selfie videos to really change my mood.  I uploaded them to my phone and started putting them together until I ended on the order you see in the video.  The video was great but it needed music.  I searched my phone and Can't Stop The Sun by Tom Petty was the first song I put to the video.  The song fit the video perfectly so I used it (no copyright infringement intended - YouTube makes you put that on your video if you use music that isn't yours).

Selfie Video Done and Most Importantly - SMILE Found!

Tom Petty NAILS it with the lyrics of the song I use in the video.  His words transformed my CRAP day into something I am learning to believe in.  Here are his lyrics:

Can't Stop The Sun

Tom Petty

Well you may take my money

You may turn off my microphone

But you can't steal

What you can't feel

Can't stop the sun from shining

Shining down and down and down

And you may think you control things

But there'll be more just like me

Who won't give in

Who'll rise again

Can't stop the world from turnin'

Turnin' round and round and round

Hey mister business man

Be sure to wash your hands

Be careful where you stand

'Cause life goes on and on and on

Life goes on and on and on

And you may think it's all over

But there'll be more just like me

Who won't give in

Who'll rise again

Can't stop a man from dreamin'

Dreamin' on and on and on

  

I am beginning to believe these words about myself for the first time.  There has always been doubt that stems from my low self-esteem about my future and pursuing my dream.  Yes - I was fucking sad on the bus this morning.  Of course I wasn't smiling; I was headed into my paying job that goes against every bit of me.  It sucks away and destroys all my positive energy.  You try being a consultant for the oil and gas industry for last 15 years.  I survey for and permit "take" (killing/destruction) of plants and wildlife including endangered species.  Worst of all, no regulatory authority or agency out there gives a shit about snakes which are killed my the thousands each year because of what I do.  It sucks!  It kills you.  It literally kills who you really are.

I won't go into the TRUE impacts of oil and gas exploitation but you need to know that it doesn't just end with the ugly view like the one below.  Maybe someday I can let you in on all the dirty secrets but not today.

Oil well drill rig in Wyoming - this one well pad has altered the world in a way that can never be repaired.  Multiply this by the millions of other wells across the globe and think about the impacts.  It will kill you slowly...

I am FINALLY coming out of my cloud.  I can change my sadness into a least a smile right now.  I am learning how to turn off the self-loathing part of my brain.  I can see the "sun shining down and down and down" - now it is time to learn to FEEL and let it energize me to greatness.

Well - this post is about my success at turning my mood around today.  I look forward to the post where I can tell you I am no longer depressed and doing what I was meant to be doing on this planet.  Until then, I will keep writing these progress blogs.

I never plan to stop Dreamin' on and on and on...

If you want to listen to the full Tom Petty song, here you go: