Why Can't I Do Hard Things

I have experienced a lot of change in the last couple of weeks and I have had lots of time to reflect on why these changes were necessary.  It all comes down to one simple question - what were the hard things I didn’t do?

I have been asking myself that question and the list keeps getting longer.

Fun times.

It would be easier if the list was short. It would be easier if I could point to one thing and say, “Yep, there it is. That is where I screwed up. Fix that one thing and everything is better.”  But that is not how this works. The list is long because the pattern is old - very old. Basically, I haven't become the person I said I wanted to become; the person that I promised to become.  I have been making this promise for 30 years.

That is the hard thing.

After my divorce six years ago, I quit drinking. That was huge for me. I don’t want to minimize that because it mattered. It still matters. I was numbing my life with alcohol and I stopped. I made a decision for myself. Maybe one of the first and only big decisions I have ever made that wasn’t about keeping someone else happy.  Seriously.  I quit drinking to save myself and others questioned it many, many times yet it is the only decision that I stuck to for myself and only for myself.  

Let me say it again - I quit drinking.  I was a 6 pack a day kind of guy.  I was a 3 margaritas won't get me drunk kind of guy.  I didn't like wine but I could have had the whole bottle in a night kind of guy.  But I did it.  I quit drinking.

That was hard.

And then I think I made a mistake. I thought quitting drinking meant I had done the work. Nope.  The Universe had other plans and said that wasn't the work I was supposed to do to find me - the true me.

Now don't get me wrong, I had done some work. Important work. But I have not done the work I need to do and promised to do. I had stopped drinking, but I had not learned how to take care of myself. I had stopped the numbing, but I had not learned how to trust myself. I had stopped one of the escape routes that stood in my way, but I still had plenty of other ways to avoid the hard things.

Apparently I am creative that way. I went to therapy. I read books. I listened to podcasts. I talked about healing. I talked about growth. I understood things. I can explain codependency to someone else just using my life as the example.

But understanding something is not the same as changing it - ouch, that sentence fucking hurts especially since I am living with the consequences of not changing or growing where I needed it the most - in trusting myself and becoming the person I so desperately want to be.  Yes, I am using the word desperate because without change and growth, I will be stuck in my own shit.  This is not where I want to be and it took the last few weeks for me to not just realize it (I have always realized it I think), but to really fucking feel it.  I have really been feeling it and it hurts.

I have outsourced approval for most of my life. I wish that was an exaggeration. It is not. It started when I was a kid and continued throughout my entire adult life - destroying my self-worth in the process.  I needed permission for everything. What should I do? Is this okay? Can I eat this?  What do you want for dinner? Are you mad? Should I go? Should I stay? Should I work on this? Should I work on that?  Should I take a shower?  Yep - can you believe it, I have routinely asked for permission to take a fucking shower.

What. The. Fuck.

Now here is the biggest rub of all...  This is not how I want to live. This is not how I want to love. This is not how I want to run a business. This is not how I want to be a father. This is not how I want to be a partner.  This is not how I want to be a man.

But this is how I have lived my life.

I can see it now and I don’t like what I see. I made decisions because I wanted people to like me. I avoided decisions because I didn’t want people to be upset with me. I said yes when I should have said no. I stayed quiet when I should have spoken. I waited for someone else to tell me what mattered and then wondered why my life didn’t feel like mine.

If I really think about it (and I have had plenty of time to think about it these past few weeks), it is just crazy that this is who I am.  Imagine letting someone drive and then complaining when you do do not like how fast they drive, how slow they drive, how the take corners, where they park, or even when the car ends up stuck in the mud.  The crazy thing about this analogy is that I prefer to drive everywhere, all the time, regardless of who I am with.  I HATE being the passenger, yet, I have been the passenger in my own fucking life.  

What.  The.  Fuck.  

Not always. I am not going to turn my entire life into one giant failure story because that would be bullshit. I have done hard things. I have quit drinking. I have survived divorce. I have started over. I have built things. I built My Nature Lab.  I have opened doors when I was terrified. I have taught people to love snakes, which is not exactly the easiest job in the world.

So no, this is not me saying I have never done hard things.

I have.

But I avoided these hard things. The quiet ones. The boring ones. The daily ones. The ones that do not come with a cool photo or a good story or applause.  The ones that require me to make a decision and stand there while someone is disappointed. The ones that require me to plan ahead. The ones that require me to deal with money before everything is on fire. The ones that require me to have the uncomfortable conversation before resentment turns into a living creature in the room. The ones that require me to stop asking everyone else who I am supposed to be.

Those are the hard things I avoided.

And I made promises about those things. That is the part I keep coming back to. I promised myself (and others) I would become more grounded. More decisive. More dependable. More courageous. Someone who could be counted on when things got hard, not just when things were fun. Someone who could stand up for himself. Someone who could stand up for the people I love and the things that mattered. Someone who could fight for the life he wanted because he had finally learned how to fight for himself.

That last one is the killer. I have been thinking about that a lot. I never fought for the life I wanted because I have not learned how to fight for myself.  I was in the passenger seat even when the people around me and the people who loved me were all asking me to drive.  No.  They were telling me to drive and I ignored them.

That is not an excuse. This is not a victim story. It is not me blaming anyone else. It is just the truth as clearly as I can see it right now. But I have played the victim.  I have blamed others.  I have passed the weight.  I have said "but I asked for help".  The fucking point is that I should never have had to ask for help.  I should have been confident to make the right decision when it mattered.  No.  Don't get me wrong here.  Asking for help is courageous and incredible.  It is warranted so often - WE ALL NEED HELP.  My point here is that I used "but I asked for help" as an excuse to not do what was needed.  I used it to play the victim.

I guess my point is that I never built enough trust in myself to be steady. I envisioned steadiness. I envisioned strength. I wanted to be the guy who would say, “I’ve got this,” and actually have it mean something.

But envisioning and wanting is not becoming. Talking is not becoming. Reading is not becoming. Listening to a podcast while avoiding the thing sitting right in front of me is definitely not becoming. I wanted the outcome of growth without consistently doing the work of growth.  

There it is.  That is the ugly little sentence. I wanted the outcome of growth without consistently doing the work of growth.  The work that was true to myself.  I outsourced all of it and played the victim.

I wanted the outcome without doing the work.  Here is another rub - I know better than that in the field looking for snakes.  It is what makes me a damn good biologist.

You don’t just find a milksnake because you want to find a milksnake. You flip rocks. A lot of rocks. Most of them have nothing under them. Some have ants. Some have spiders. Some have a beer can from 1987. Some have dog shit still in the poop bag but someone wanted to hide it.  I have even flipped a $5 bill under a log in Indiana and a $1 bill my brother hid under a rock in Nebraska. Some rocks were so embedded in the ground that I am reminded that I am not 25 anymore.  But I still fucking flipped them over.

And then maybe, after a hundred rocks, or a thousand rocks, there it is - a milksnake that makes your college professor yell out " There is the mother fucker."

A milksnake - the snake of 1000 rocks.

I understand that kind of work. I understand waiting for a snake to come out of a hole. I understand setting up a camera and recording for an hour (sometimes 4 hours) just to get for two seconds of something incredible. I understand sitting still long enough to see what most people miss.  That is what I can do. I know how to do that.

So why didn’t I do that with myself? Why didn’t I flip the rocks inside my own life? Why didn’t I sit still with discomfort long enough to learn something?  Instead, I would guess what others wanted and do that to make them happy regardless of who they were.  Why did I keep walking around and avoiding the same hard things and then act surprised when they were still there?

I don’t know.  Fuck.  I am now crying as I write this because I do know.  I have always known...

Because those things were not fun. They did not feel adventurous. They did not make me feel special. They did not give me the quick hit of approval that comes from being helpful or funny or exciting or wanted or needed.  They don't give me the dopamine rush that I am addicted to.

They were just work.

Quiet work. Adult work. Real work. The kind of work nobody claps for or says thank you for. I avoided that work.

Here is the third rub - I confused being agreeable with being loving. I confused being helpful with being dependable. I confused avoiding conflict with keeping peace. I confused needing approval with connection. I confused insight with change.

Those are not the same things. Being agreeable is not being loving. Being helpful is not being dependable. Avoiding conflict is not keeping peace. And knowing all of this is not change.

FUCK!!!!!

That one hurts.

Because I do know what works. I can be introspective and see how I have gone off the rails (more like stalled and avoided the tracks completely) in my growth as a person, a partner, and a friend.  I can sit around and think about myself all day long. I can write about it. I can talk about it. I can make it sound meaningful. I can make it sound like progress.  This is just gross.

But all my insight that does not turn into action is just another form of procrastination. And I am really good at procrastination.

Procrastination has dominated my life. I have even procrastinated my own healing. Read a book instead of making the decision. Listen to a podcast instead of having the conversation. Write about accountability instead of doing the thing I am accountable for.  Think about growth instead of growing.

What. The. Fuck.

That is annoying and I get it. But it is also useful. Because now I can see it. And if I can see it, I can stop pretending I don’t see it.

I am not writing this because I think writing fixes anything. It doesn’t. I can't change the past.  I am not writing this because I want to punish myself. I have done plenty of that and it has not made me better. Shame does not make me more reliable. Calling myself names does not make me more courageous. Beating myself up is not accountability.

True accountability is different and I am finally figuring it out. Accountability is doing the thing after the insight. Accountability is making the decision. Accountability is keeping the promise. Accountability is having the conversation. Accountability is paying attention before everything catches fire. Accountability is learning how to disappoint people and survive it. Accountability is not asking for permission to exist - it is existing in the way that I want to exist.

I can now finally see what I need to do now.  The work is real. No more talking about who I want to be. Not promising to change. Not performing growth so someone else believes me.  I am done with outsourcing my self-worth.  My self-worth comes from within me and I am definitely worthy.

So what needs to happen.  Well, for starters, actually fucking doing it. One decision at a time. One uncomfortable conversation at a time. One kept promise at a time. One rock at a time.

Maybe there is a milksnake under the next one. Maybe there isn’t. Flip it anyway.  That is the only way to change.  Keep flipping rocks until I get it right...

Dog Training

I got a dog a year ago and he is wonderful.  Rocket is a loving but very high energy Labrador Retriever.  I wasn't really training him and I can't explain why especially since I really like watching and having a well trained retriever.  But that doesn't mean it is too late.  We have bumped up his training lately and he is really taking to it - like all Labs do.  Every morning, Rocket wakes me up and we head down to the middle school.  I through the bumper for him and he shows off just how fast he is.  We have fun but it is time to turn him into a well oiled retrieving machine.  His training starts on August 15th.  Why wait until then?  Well, he is at a kennel starting tomorrow while I attend a family reunion and then he will be having his balls cut off on August 11.  Yes - I decided to have him neutered.  So stay tuned for updates and videos about Rocket and his training journey.

Procrastivity

 I learned a new word today - procrastivity.  It means "an activity that one does to avoid doing another task".  I learned it from my ADHD app that I bought 3 months ago and am just now using.  And it describes me perfectly.  

I procrastivity everything.  From paying bills to writing proposals.  It doesn't mean that I don't get those things complete - it just means that I do something else before the task that I am supposed to be doing.  I recently learned that I have a rebel personality from a podcast that I listened to and followed it up with the quiz for personality types.  This rebel personality is a part of my procrastivity.  

Strange word but it does describe me perfectly.  I will go record new videos instead of finishing the ones I am working on.  I will go for a run before I walk my dog.  I will go to sleep rather than check my email.  Fun times.

I have been working with bullfrogs all summer long.  It has been an experience and I am learning a ton.  I have learned more about bullfrogs that I thought possible.  My favorite procrastivity has been to go catch more bullfrogs rather than enter the data I have already collected or conduct the literature review needed for the papers I hope to write this winter.  I have learned that you can catch a bullfrog with a piece of red cloth or a turtle lure.  I have caught them by hand.  I have caught them with nets.  It has been a blast.  It has been my procrastivity...

Hunt to Eat - First Attempt - January 11

Yesterday was our first attempt at Hunt to Eat and we are starving.  Jackson and I decided to try and hunt rabbits.  Our plan was to drive to my snake hunting areas and try our luck on a State Wildlife Area out there.  As we we driving, I remembered another SWA closer so asked Jackson if he wanted to try it first.  We ended up spending the entire day there (well half a day because when hunting with an 18 year old, he didn't want to leave until after 11am).  

As we were driving into the parking lot, a rabbit runs down the edge of the road.  Jackson saw it first and I haven't heard that sort of excitement out of him in a long time.  He was ready for the hunt and this rabbit had to be a good sign of what was coming.  We park and read the regulations one more time to make sure that we could hunt rabbits on this SWA that is more geared for waterfowl hunting.  Good to go.  We start hiking.  

Rabbit sign EVERYWHERE!  It had snowed the night before and that made seeing the fresh rabbit tracks pretty easy.  THEY WERE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE.  But no rabbits.  We decided to switch tree rows.  As we approach the new row of trees, Jackson spots a rabbit on the edge of a very thick patch of Russian olives in a shrub form filled with tumbleweeds.  He calls out excitedly to me and I rush over.  I can't see the rabbit but Jackson still had his eyes on it.  It moves.  I see it.  The shot isn't an ethical one (way too many branches between us and the rabbit) so I tell Jackson to wait.  I hand him the .22 I was carrying because we were close and told him if he can shoot the eye, to shoot.  We never saw the eye as it jumped deeper into the thick and impenetrable cover.  In hindsight, I should have given him the instructions to shoot any rabbit on sight because he had seen this one before it got deep into the cover.  All I could think about was Brer Rabbit and his Rabbit Patch for the rest of the day. 

We switch parking lots and as we are eating our lunch, Jackson yells out again.  He spots a rabbit in the damn parking lot!  Of course we can't shoot it here but we talk a big game about it.  We take this as another sign that our luck will change.  It didn't.  After walking and walking with long breaks of staring into the brush where there are lots of rabbit tracks, we see nothing.  No live rabbit - not a single one. They knew we were coming and hid very well.  In hindsight, my decision to stop at the SWA was a bad one.  It was clear that these rabbits knew to avoid humans.  We are at the end of the season and they have been hunted hard all year long.  These rabbits are survivors.  We need to find a new spot to hunt.

So I got to spend time with my oldest (rare these days) and I walked a lot on rough and uneven ground.  Those are positives.  I also over exposed all the videos and photos I took yesterday’s except for the photos I used in this post.  Even the rabbit one is severely overexposed but computer processing made it usable.  I am taking the day as a positive because I learned something about my camera.  Oh - we also saw two different pairs of Great Horned Owls.  It was a good day.

Run Streak Broken - January 5

I intentionally ended my run streak yesterday.  It was impeding my personal challenge for better health - yep, that is right, running was impeding my goal.  Sure I was running every day but I wasn't training.  I wasn't making myself better. I would get out and run my mile so that my streak stayed alive and while it felt good, I didn't have the motivation or will to improve.  My run streak was also keeping me from other things such as hiking, biking, weight lifting, and even rest.  So I ended it but that doesn't mean I am quitting running.  Actually, it means that I will become a better runner.  Today I start a training plan for a half marathon.  I don't have a race planned but for the next 12 weeks, I will run with purpose.  I will be training for something.  I will also be riding my bike on days when I am not running and escaping into my home gym (in the garage) to strength train.  So sometimes ending something leads to something better.  Oh!!!!  I really like that - ending something to find something better.

I am not sure if I will be able to get out to find birds today (I have a lot to do as we are opening the Lab for more hours each week and I want to teach an online herpetology course for adults this winter).  But I did see a bunch yesterday but only got decent photos of two species.  Here they are:

American Kestrel

American Tree Sparrow

 

Bird Update - January 3

Wow - photographing birds is hard but I am definitely having fun.  Some of the difficulty is me trying to learn a completely new camera and lens system.  Hopefully that will pass.  The other hard part is light is never perfect and birds fly.  In fact, they NEVER stop moving.  They remind me of my dreams at night - high speed images just flying past my eyes without ever letting me focus on one thing.  But when you get a photo, the image is incredible (sometimes - okay, one out of 1000 times).  So here is an update from my brain as I haven't kept a bird list yet - something I should probably start in this challenge - daily bird lists.

First bird I photographed in my challenge was a Blue Jay that I baited onto my back porch.  After a lot of deliberation, this will not count as my Blue Jay photo because I cheated.  But if its butt wasn't covered in poop, I may have made a different decision.  Since bait isn't allowed, I guess that also excludes the Red-breasted Nuthatch that showed up at my feeder.

Blue Jay

Red-Breasted Nuthatch

I got out yesterday and sat next to a creek for an hour or so hoping that a kingfisher would give me a shot at a photo.  Didn't happen but I photographed some Canada Geese and a few ducks. Nothing to write home about but still got the photos.  This brings me to what exactly counts as a photo.  I have decided that anything does but I will upgrade the photos as I get better ones throughout the challenge year.  I don't have a website yet for this challenge or my photography but I will soon.  The site will keep track of the best photos that I get but I will try to post the shitty ones too (until I can upgrade them).  Here are some examples of photos I plan to upgrade.

Canada Goose

That leads me to today.  I got out in the morning and found a few raptors, a chickadee, a Northern Flicker, and the best photo so far in the challenge - a female Brewer's Blackbird.  The photo isn't perfect but the bird is a good find although now I am on the hunt for a male.  I spotted other birds today such as a Hooded Merganser and Great Blue Heron but didn't take their photos (hence the need for a daily bird list).

Great Horned Owl

Immature Bald Eagle

Red-tailed Hawk

Okay folks - that is the start of my challenge.  I hope you had as much fun as I did and we will see what tomorrow brings.

Brewer's Blackbird

Personal Challenges - January 1 2021

I don't make New Year Resolutions.  I may have at some point in my life but they just set myself up for disappointment, self loathing, and ultimately depression so I just don't make them anymore.  For years, I haven't viewed the new year with much optimism.  My best new year in recent memory was probably January 1, 2017 when I submitted my resignation to my consulting job.  I didn't even give two weeks notice - I just never went back to work (although I did email them and told them that). 

So today, I have made several personal challenges to myself.  I like finding things and so my challenges will be hard but not impossible and all involve finding things.  I guess they are non-traditional resolutions (although number 1 is probably pretty traditional).  Here they are:

Challenge Number 1 - I challenge myself to find ways for better health.  This challenge doesn't have any measurable goals or even accountability tied to it but I have been brainstorming and dreaming of ways to find better health for myself.  This includes both physical and mental health.  I like to run.  I want to lift weights again.  I love to eat good food.  I like to write.  This challenge will give me opportunities for all of that in a nutshell (nuts are an approved food for my new caveman ideology - see below).

I went through hell in 2020 - Divorce, covid, business stress, stress for my children, and a lot of self loathing.  So, how do I even combat that in 2021? I need to write more.  Try to write daily.  Write about my feelings.  Write about what makes my body tingle.  Write about what makes me smile.  Write about what makes me cry.  JUST WRITE.  Simple without any consequences for not writing.  I just want to write and see where it takes me.  Maybe even write a steamy love novel (just kidding, or am I?).  "Just write, Cameron" - that is my motto. 

The second part of the better health challenge is my physical health.  I got a huge jump on that in 2020 by breaking my relationship with sugar  and alcohol and I lost almost 30lbs.  I don't remember my heaviest weight in 2020 but it was near 225lbs.  I weighed myself this morning after a really bad week of eating poorly (holiday sugar) and was 195.2lbs.  I still have 20lbs that I want to lose and probably will lose that weight easily if I just stay away from sugar.  I don't know if I will ever drink alcohol again mostly because I use it to numb myself and hide from reality.  I don't want to live that way again even if my feelings are so much more intense without it.  I don't need it and it makes me feel like shit.  I recently learned that my body reacts really poorly to gluten - it makes my entire body ache and hurt (try not eating gluten for a month and then eat it again - you will find out how you react to it).  So that is also an easy health choice for me in 2021 - just avoid gluten.  The last part of this second part of Challenge 1 is to eat more foods that haven't been processed at all.  We all talk about it - just shop the outside of the store and avoid the aisles.  No processed foods.  Eat like a caveman.  If you can find it in the wild and eat it raw, it is okay to eat.  If it has to go through a processing plant and get created by humans, don't eat it.  My boys are board with more hunting and fishing to help me with this endeavor.  We are going fishing today (hopefully but it is cold and we have to find open water as we aren't ready to take on ice fishing) and rabbit hunting next weekend.  We want to see if we can harvest our own meat.  This phase really won't be in place until next September when the big game seasons open but we can fish and go after rabbits for the time being to supplement what we can buy from a butcher.

So there is my challenge Number 1 - Better Personal Health.

Challenge Number 2 - I want to improve my photography and videography.  I recently purchased new cameras and lenses.  Professional ones.  The ones from my Dream list.  So my challenge to myself is to take photos of 365 different species of birds in 2021.  This is an average of one a day and that sounds daunting but I have a trip planned to the Bahamas in May and this challenge will also force me out of my Colorado safety net.  It will mean a few weekend road trips to see more things and this will naturally improve my mood.  I also want to sell my photography and/or videography services so I will be starting a new business.  I don't have a name yet and I don't even know how to do it but I am putting it out there.  I think I want to focus on animals and could target people's pets as subjects but this will grow, evolve, and thrive as the year goes.  It will be fun to just get out and take photos/videos and I can always use them in my own business even if I never sell a single photo (like this photo of a tegu).  Plus taking photos/videos of 365 different species is an awesome challenge and so much fun.  I will have enough photos to make a calendar for 2022 or who knows what else.  It is getting out in nature, with my cameras, finding critters, and making myself happy.  So much better than sitting on the couch worrying about my future and the future of my children and if they will be happy.  So much better than anything else that I can think of right now.  I will probably add to this challenge as the year progresses with maybe mammals, reptiles, fish, and amphibians (the other vertebrate classes) but birds will get me started.

That is it - two challenges.  Both vague enough to go in any direction that feels good and both with enough structure to be a challenge.  Both will make me happier and help me with discovering myself.  I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I am and I don't know.  I have ALWAYS outsourced approval of who I am, what I do, and where I go.  These challenges will help me find self approval and to hell with everyone else's opinion unless I ask for it.  These challenges are non-negotiable for others to comment on - they are what I want to do.

Wasted Time - November 29

I forgot to write again yesterday but I was making videos so maybe that counts.  The only trouble is that the videos I make aren't about my journey and healing.  They are about snakes and other wildlife.  I wonder if they have the same effect though as I don't feel the need to write if I am recording and making videos.  Well - more recording videos.  The making part is fun too but that is also a bit of work (only because I am stuck inside on a computer).  The being in nature and secretly recording wildlife (if I am doing it right, it is a secret to them) doing what they do in nature naturally is the therapy part.  It makes me so happy.

But...  Isn't there always a but?  The but is that I have been conditioned and told over the years that spending time in the woods it a waste of time.  From as long as I can remember, people would tell me that looking for snakes was a waste of my time.  Lots of people too.  Friends, parents, teachers, professors, lovers - they all have made comments that looking for snakes so much makes me irresponsible.  That I should be doing something productive instead.  It wasn't that going out was discouraged.  No - I think I was told to go outside (maybe to get me away them).  It was the amount of time that I did it that was frowned upon.  I could spend hours and hours sitting in one spot waiting for a snake to reemerge from a hole.  Literally HOURS and I think this is what wasn't understood by anyone and can be viewed as a waste of time; that I should be doing something better with my time.

But...  And this but is in my favor.  This but is about what I learned and gained from sitting for hours waiting for a snake to emerge from a hole so that I can take its picture.  I learned about the snake.  I learned its habits.  I learned how it behaves without human interference.  I learned how it interacts with other snakes.  I got to witness things that no one else has witnessed (well - no one else except for the people like me).  And it isn't just snakes.  I once got video of a porcupine walking down a road at 2am in the middle of nowhere.  I got video of an opossum that was on the verge of playing dead (I didn't push it over the edge just for my video but I sure wanted to).  Just recently, I spent hours luring a squirrel into my house just to feed it a peanut.  The one thing that I haven't been very good at making videos of is birds.  Birds require a longer lens and a lot more patience.  Well, a different kind of patience.  They are constantly moving and flitting about making set up for videos difficult.  I prefer to set up my camera and leave it running.  Birds you have to follow around and get what you can when you can.  But I am going to try.  It will be a fun challenge.

Sitting and watching wildlife is my therapy.  It is better for me than anything else.  I need to end the feelings of guilt and shame that come with it though.  Those were projected and given to me from other people.  Those aren't my beliefs.  Those aren't my feelings.  Those aren't mine to own.  Being in nature with my camera makes me feel good.  That is what I need to focus on - the good feelings.  I need to focus on what makes me happy and NOT what other people think about me.  They can go fuck themselves and their opinions.  I am going to go outside and sit for HOURS in nature.

High Speed Dreaming - November 27

Wow - where did the week go?  I didn't write all week and I am trying to write every day.  I would say it is weird but I was able to get outside and make videos every day this week - maybe that is my writing this week.  I was able to get some fun duck videos and more muskrats underwater.

But this post is about my dreams and I think I finally figured out why I wake up so exhausted every morning.  I dream at high speed.  It is like I am previewing video and skimming through it using my computer mouse to control the speed.  This is faster than playing it in high speed and allows me to skip through 10 minutes of no action video to find the 2 seconds of a muskrat swimming by or a snake coming out of a hole.  My dreaming may be an unanticipated and unwanted artifact of the way I record hard to video wildlife.  

If I want to record a snake in a hole, or a mouse running next to the wall, or a muskrat carrying food into its burrow, I typically set up my camera, hit record, walk away, and come back in an hour.  This gives the animal time to get use to the camera and then behave naturally.  Without "eyes" staring at it, the animal will often just go about its business.  This makes for extremely long videos with nothing moving in it until that 2 second burst of activity.  So when I am reviewing the video to see what I got, I swing the mouse cursor over the video and play it back at really high speed that really doesn't have a speed - sometimes it is slower and sometimes it is faster.  And when I spot something moving in the video, I go back and forth to figure out what it is.  This is how I dream.  And it is exhausting.

This type of video is highly successful - I am able to capture things that we talk about but rarely, if ever see.  That is my mind.  So I am going to embrace dreaming in high speed from now on and not let it frustrate me.  It might still be exhausting but at least I know I am capturing something special.

Slow Motion Swimming - November 23

Well - I missed two days of writing.  I have been in a complete anxiety fog.  New covid restrictions just came out and I have no idea how that will affect the Lab.  All I can do is try to stay positive and keep moving forward.  We have to survive this virus.  That anxiety has completely buried me. 

But I have found a pond that has a lot of muskrats in it and that presented a new challenge to me.  I want to video muskrats underwater. This not an easy task because muskrats are extremely fast swimmers.  They have to be.  There are so many predators that would catch them if they were slow but they can easily out swim a mink, snapping turtle, or even a large bass.  But this makes for a very difficult video to capture.

Muskrat Leaving Its Burrow on Day 2

So I spent 3 afternoons last week trying to capture a muskrat underwater and each day I got a little better at it.  The first day, all I got were fish.  The second day, my camera was too close to the underwater entrance of the muskrat burrow but I did capture one going in and out.  The third day was better.  I set my GoPro up outside the burrow with a 16mm wide angle lens on it (it is a digital lens) and I captured the muskrat going in and out several times.  The trouble is that they swim way to fast for it to be an interesting video (less than one second in the frame) so I had to slow it down.  I got the video I wanted but all it makes me want to do is go back again and again to get different angles and perspectives.  Muskrats are fascinating!

So what does this all mean?  All my writing that I have been doing lately (I am not publishing it right now - it is painful but necessary as I heal) is exactly what I learned about muskrats.  It is all happening extremely fast - too fast for me.  Yes, it is a part of my healing but it is all way too fast.  Things at the Lab are happening too fast as well.  I CANNOT KEEP UP!  Everything is passing me like a muskrat underwater - way too fast to be of any use.  But I am capturing it all - now I just need to slow it down to make it useful.  I have slowed down the muskrat to just 10 percent of its normal speed.  I need to make lists of the anxiety in my world and slow it down.  This can be done and it will allow me to see the world at a pace that I can react to and catch that damn muskrat.

Rattlesnakes

I just got off the phone with a Ranger with the City of Boulder Openspace and Mountain Parks.  She had texted me that it was a very interesting snake weekend in Boulder County and that definitely peaked my interest.  I started off the conversation by asking her if she had heard about the two rattlesnake bites in Eldorado Springs Canyon over the weekend.  She laughed and told me that there had been 5 rattlesnake bites on City Openspaces over the weekend.  Her laughter wasn't at the bites but at my gross underestimation of human-rattlesnake encounters.  My information was from a local fire chief that had helped extract the canyon bite recipients.  It was clearly outdated and underestimated.

So why all these rattlesnake bites in one weekend?  That is why the Ranger reached out to me.  She wanted to brainstorm and talk it through.  I could only tell her one thing - cow pies.  Rattlesnakes emerged from hibernation in my area in the middle of April.  They have been fasting all winter and are hungry.  It is now the end of May (at least last weekend) and they have either gotten a meal already and are digesting someplace safe from humans or they haven't gotten a meal and they are starving.  So why would I say cow pies?  Well, hungry and hunting rattlesnakes coil themselves into a small circle, hide their tails (rattles) under a body coil so it doesn't make noise, and wait.  They wait for days until a prey item happens in front of them and then they strike fast and hard to deliver a deadly (to rodents not humans or dogs - at least not the prairie rattlesnake that lives in Boulder County) cocktail of digestive enzymes (venom) into their prey.  Although instead of a small rodent or lagomorph (rabbit), five hunting rattlesnakes mistaking bit humans this past weekend.  My guess is based upon that none of the bites were preceded by a rattle and all of the bites occurred on the feet or lower legs of humans.  I could be wrong and at this point, it doesn't really matter.  We will need more data to really draw conclusions about each one of these bites but that is not the purpose of this blog post.  The purpose is to talk about how to safely enjoy our openspaces and avoid encounters with rattlesnakes.

Cow Pie waiting in ambush for a small rodent.  It is my opinion that these are the rattlesnakes most likely to bite a human as mistaken identity.  I would love to have someone study what is needed to make this snake strike.  Is it just a warm object (rodent, human foot) or do they need chemical cues (smell) as well?

We will first talk about how to stay safe with just you and your family and then end with how to stay safe with your dog in rattlesnake country.  If you can remember the word SNAKE, you can stay safe in areas with rattlesnakes.  Here is the acronym blown apart for you to stay Snake Aware:

S - Stay on trail.  This is really difficult as more and more people explore our openspaces but it might just be the most important thing for staying safe.  Rattlesnakes are EXTREMELY cryptic.  They are nearly invisible when in the tall (and short) grasses or next to a rock in a boulder field.  Once you leave the trail, your chances of seeing a rattlesnake is greatly reduced.  This creates an opportunity for you to step on or near a cow pie (hunting rattlesnake) and these are the snakes most likely to mistakenly bite a human (they can't eat us so why would they want to bite us?).

N - Never engage, approach, or threaten a rattlesnake.  This might sound like common sense but you would be surprised at the number of males ages 18-30 that can't follow this advice.  They have to catch or worse, try to kill a rattlesnake.  This is a recipe for disaster.  No one has ever been bitten by a rattlesnake that they left alone.  REMEMBER THAT - no one has ever been bitten by a rattlesnake that they have left alone.  So, just leave it alone.  Don't try and get it off the trail.  Don't try and relocate it.  Don't try to kill it.  All of these things increase your risk of being bitten.  Just walk away.

A - Always give a snake room to escape.  This means back away and let the snake do its thing.  When approached, many rattlesnakes will begin to rattle and move backwards away from danger (YOU).  Snakes often freeze and remain frozen for some time, especially if confronted by a something larger than them.  This makes it harder to believe that the snake just wants to get away from you as it sits frozen in front of you.  But by backing away and giving the snake room to flee and escape, it will eventually move again and disappear someplace safe.

K - Know the snakes in your area.  It is surprising to me how little we pay attention to the animals and plants around us.  As a natural historian, I want to know what everything is so that when I find something different, I can get excited and learn more about it. Not all of us are like me, and I am finally beginning to understand that in my old age.  But, if you live in a place where there could be venomous snakes, I implore you to at least learn how to identify them.  Watch this video to learn how to identify a prairie rattlesnake - Prairie Rattlesnake Identification.

E - Everyone (including the humans) goes home safely.  That is, if you stay on trail, never engage a rattlesnake, always give it room to escape, and know the snakes in your area. 

The big take home message is to stay on trail and be snake aware.  Just knowing that you are in an area that potentially has rattlesnakes can increase your chance of seeing it before it sees you.  And if that happens, you can take cool photos and videos to share and have an incredible story to tell.

Now to talk about dogs and rattlesnakes.  Dogs use their incredible sense of smell to explore the world around them.  This is only a problem when they find a skunk or hiking with dogs in rattlesnake country.  Here is a list of 10 things I recommend when hiking with dogs - some might be a bit repetitive but hey, I want you and your dog to be safe.

1. Don't take your dog to places with rattlesnakes.
2. Stay on trail - this means your dog too.
3. Don't use those extendable, retractable leashes - they let your dog wander to where you can't see (like off trail).
4. Don't take your dog to places with rattlesnakes.
5. Stay on trail - this means your dog too.
6. Don't use those extendable, retractable leashes - they let your dog wander to where you can't see (like off trail).
7. Don't take your dog to places with rattlesnakes.
8. Stay on trail - this means your dog too.
9. Don't use those extendable, retractable leashes - they let your dog wander to where you can't see (like off trail).
10. Don't take your dog to places with rattlesnakes.

Hopefully you are both laughing and annoyed at my list but truthfully it is the only way to ensure that your dog doesn't encounter a rattlesnake.  If your dog is off leash and off trail in rattlesnake country, this is like playing with a revolver with one bullet.  You can keep spinning the revolver and pulling the trigger without ever shooting it but then bang, the gun unexpectedly fires.  If you do take your dog into rattlesnake country, stay on the trail and keep your dog on a short leash.  I know I am writing (at least trying to) with a little humor but this is a serious matter.  Dogs are amazing snake bite survivors (approximately 80 percent of dogs bitten by rattlesnakes survive) but why risk it?  There are plenty of places to take your dog for a walk or run that don't have rattlesnakes.  Go there instead.  There are lots of dog training operations that offer rattlesnake avoidance training for your dog but their methods are extremely cruel to both the dog and especially the snakes they use in training.  There is a method being used in Arizona that is amazing for both you, your dog, and snakes.  Maybe with my past as a dog trainer, I should be bringing this method to you here in Boulder County.  Hmmmm.  Add that to my list.

Camera Dreams (I need a sugar daddy )

Tonight kicks off the NFL season with the Chiefs playing the Texans.  I have zero stake or interest in who wins this game but I am watching it.  Well, it is on TV while I wait for my big boys to get home from playing 18 holes at a nearby golf course so I can make them dinner (I finished this post after dinner - we had buffalo chicken sandwiches).  

But what I am really doing it dreaming.  Sony recently released a brand new camera that has incredible low-light capabilities and records in 4K resolution - perfect for my new and ever changing role at the Center for Snake Conservation.  Coronavirus has all but closed My Nature Lab although we are slowly coming back.  I recently brought back one of my employees to run the Open Lab sessions and our Education Director filled all of her programs for the fall.  So that leaves me and what I am doing.  

I am creating a new Virtual Lab program where I create 3 separate and novel lessons each week (you can join for $20/month here:  www.mynaturelab.org/virtual-lab).  This means I am recording, processing, and creating lots and lots of video content for the Lab.  I have 3 video cameras at my disposal but that does NOT stop me from dreaming.  Here are my current cameras and what I use them for and then I will go into my dream camera - the Sony Alpha a7S III Mirrorless Digital Camera.

GoPro Hero 8 - This is a workhorse of a video camera.  Originally designed and purposed as an action camera, it is great for making videos when walking in the field.  Plus it is waterproof so I can use it underwater to record the life below the surface.  I use it almost daily.  It was a gift from my parents last fall and I love it.  Cons - It is only a wide angle camera and cannot record videos of something (think wildlife) more than 3 feet away very effectively.

Sony AX-100 - This is my dedicated 4K video camera that does the bulk of the videos I take.  I bought this camera over 4 years ago and it is starting to age but I still really enjoy using it.  I can set it up on a tripod and it takes INCREDIBLE videos.  Without a tripod, it is pretty much useless as the camera shake is really bad even with the image stabilization turned on. That isn't a problem though as I always have my tripod.  Cons - the view finder is terrible and the view screen does not work in full sun because of the terrible glare.

iPhone 11 Pro - This is relatively new camera in my arsenal and I really enjoy it.  I wish it had a bigger sensor but for videos made for viewing on phones and tablets, it really gets the job done.  All my macro videos and photos are taken with this camera as well as portrait and landscape shots.  It is quick to use and always with me. Cons - not really good for wildlife videos.

SOOOOOO - why do I want to get a new camera?  Because I do.  I want the versatility of being able to change lenses depending on the situation and subject.  I have decided that I want two lenses to start out with  - a longer zoom and a lens for closer work (eventually I will also need a dedicated macro).  Plus Sony just came out with a new memory card that is extremely fast so I will need that too.  

Here is what I want:

• Sony Alpha a7s III Mirrorless Digital Camera ($3,498.00)
• Sony FE 24-70mm f/2.8 GM Lens ($2,098.00)
• Sony FE 70-200mm f/2.8 GM Lens ($2,398.00)
• Sony VG-C4EM Vertical Grip ($398.00)
• Sony 160GB CFExpress Type A TOUGH Memory Card ($398.00)
• Sony NP-FZ100 Rechargeable Lithium-ion Battery ($78.00)

Total Price Tag (there are some bundle discounts) is $9,533.10 after taxes.  

$9,533.10 - A man is allowed to dream, RIGHT?

Holy hell - that is a lot of money but it sure is fun to dream...

But here is an example of what I would be doing with this incredible camera and lenses - making educational videos about plants, animals, nature, biology, ecology, and SNAKES!  I firmly believe that you have to talk about something to make it happen so I will be talking about getting this camera every day until I get it (and I will) plus I will be talking about our new Virtual Lab because that is the future of My Nature Lab's growth.  Did I mention that you can get your own Virtual Lab membership for $20/month at www.mynaturelab.org/virtual-lab?

My Life is a Contradiction

I just returned from a cellular dead zone and that always inspires a lot of introspective thinking.  I took the Lab's Field Members to Mills Canyon, New Mexico.  There isn't good cell reception within 30 miles of the canyon and even that is sometimes spotty.  I was completely offline for 96 hours.  So I got a chance to think and talk to new people about ideas, life, and of course, snakes.  While we were sitting around the campfire, we talked a little about the love languages of our children.  I had Ashton with me and his love language is touch - he absolutely loves siting in laps and snuggling.  My love language is also touch but that is where the contradiction lies.

About 10 years ago, I visited a good friend of mine from graduate school who now lives in Fort Collins.  When I walked in the door, his wife gave me a huge hug and I completely ruined everything.  My body went rigid and I failed miserably at returning her affection.  She was genuinely excited and happy to see me but I couldn't reciprocate despite being just as happy and excited to see her.  This makes no sense because my love language is touch.  Some people that know me well might disagree because they know I don't like to be touched but that is just a part of it. Quality time and affirmations are both up there in importance for me but nothing beats the affirmation that a simple and easy touch can give me.  But not just anyone can touch me...

There is that contradiction again. Cameron wants to be touched but doesn't?  This is where I thought and thought over the weekend.  How did this come about?  I am the youngest of five kids - I was probably over touched as a kid so now only reserve touching to those I really care about.  What are the situations where someone can touch me and I don't flinch like I did in Fort Collins?  There are really only two.  

The first one is easy - at the Lab.  Almost every day, a child at the Lab will climb into my lap or slide under my arm to get a better look at a snake or some other critter. I never flinch when this happens.  It actually magnifies what I am doing at the moment - TEACHING!  I know I am big, loud, and sometimes very excitable at the Lab when talking about snakes but to see a child so comfortable that they can climb into my lap to get a better look - that is my love language.  It fills my soul and reinforces my passion for teaching others about snakes.

The second one comes from someone that has been given at least some access into my inner world.  I never give complete access to this part of me (not yet at least) but some people know me well enough for me to allow them to touch me.  My college roommate is one of those people.  He can hug me.  He can grab my ass.  He can feel up my man boobs.  He even tries to make me uncomfortable with touch but he is so deep inside my inner world that his touches are love not annoyance.  An example of the opposite happened at the lab recently.  One of my volunteers gave me a hug and I froze again. I completely went rigid and I felt terrible because this volunteer was reaching out to me and telling me how much she appreciated the Lab.  Now I think the word is out to "not touch Cameron" and this is actually the opposite of what I want.  I may not want to hug you but touch is very important to me.  

So how should someone touch me if I let them? 

A hand on my shoulder or upper back is always welcome.  It tells me that you are engaged with me in whatever we are doing.  I can always tell if a kid at that Lab is in or has been at a Montessori school.  They use this sort of touch as silent communication and it works well with me. It is simple and very effective and for me, really affirms that we are on the same page.  It also affirms that you trust and like me enough to physically touch me.   

A more intimate touch that I probably won't allow any of you reading this blog do with me is to share an armrest.  I cannot stand to be touched on an airplane or bus by someone that I don't know but to bump elbows with someone I really like on an armrest is incredibly affirming to me.  Most of you are probably laughing at this right now and wondering how this could ever be considered an intimate touch.  Welcome to Cameron's inner world where things are complete contradictions.  Yes, touching elbows is nice.  

If you really want to push the touch boundaries with me, try leaning into me if we are standing next to each other.  I bet I step away very quickly.  If I don't, it means I trust you enough to allow our bodies to touch.  Yep. I am weird that way.  This lean is incredibly affirming to me and I read into it that you like me.  Actually, don't try this one.  See my life is a contradiction...

Now to throw a huge wrench into my love languages.  I have said that touch is my love language followed closely by affirmation and quality time.  That said, I love gifts despite the fact that I don't think that I am worthy of gifts so if my best friend brings me a bottle of tequila, it sends me for a total loop.  I don't know what to think.  I love it but it scares me senseless.  What does it mean?  Do I owe them something?  This is a really nice gesture but how should I act?  I try to say "thank you" but it rarely comes out right.  Someone likes me enough to give me a gift???  That is crazy talk and a huge contradiction to my beliefs about myself.  Seriously,  I rarely even drink the beer that people bring to my house although I appreciate it immensely. I prefer to drink my own beer because I do not know how to accept a gift.  My sister-in-law has been working on this one with me over the last several years but I still suck at it.  I love gifts - just don't be surprised if I try to give it back to you.  

Great Horned Owls and Milksnakes

I know I haven't blogged much recently (it seems like I start every blog post this way these days) but a lot has happened this spring that has prompted me to write tonight.  Let's just say that Great Horned Owls and Milksnakes have prompted me to write tonight.  Let's see where this goes.

Great Horned Owls are majestic yet mysterious birds.  There isn't much better late at night than hearing an owl hoot and then have it answered by another owl off in the distance.  I can lay in bed and just listen to them with a smile on my face wondering where they are and what they are doing.  That said, finding them in the daytime is incredible too.  I have spent many hours chasing owls this spring and actually come away with some incredible experiences.  People like to tease me about always lugging my video camera around but if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to capture my experiences to share with others.  I haven't made many videos lately but I have shared still images that I have captured with my camera.  These aren't the full immersion experiences I prefer to share but they are still a wonderful way to share my time in nature with the people I care about.

Great Horned Owl near Coal Creek

This brings us to milksnakes.  Milksnakes are the snake of 1000 rocks.  They are quite literally the diamond in the rough.  You have to be patient and persistent to find one and when you do, nothing else matters.  Fate is a bitch sometimes and the snake gods have been against me all spring but I finally found a milksnake just last week in the most unusual spot.  I was looking for bullsnakes along the dam of a lake and was completely content with having just found a pair mating.  I didn't need a change or anymore snakes.  I certainly didn't need a milksnake - I was happy with what I had found already and then BAM! - a milksnake was basking in the weirdest spot.  It was far from any anticipated home for this species.  It just swept me off my feet and completely threw me for a loop. Fate is a bitch but I certainly like her because she always brings the unexpected and the unexpected can be as amazing as finding a milksnake.  

Milksnake found when completely unexpected.

But, this is how Fate works.  I can't explain it.  But what matters is what you do after Fate choses you.   You have to embrace the opportunity.  You don't get that many that really matter.  You may get another chance to go flip rocks but you may not ever find another milksnake.

As a chronic rock flipper, I have learned to be disappointed in my life.  I have learned that not every rock has a milksnake.  They don't call them the snake of 1000 rocks for nothing.  I have learned that Fate likes to play tricks on you too.  Fate likes to watch you suffer as you flip and flip and flip and flip and flip and flip - well, you get the point.  That is where hope comes into play.  Hope that the next rock has a milksnake.

Hope.  That is a word I don't use very often.  It really isn't in my go to emotion bank.  I rarely have hope unless I am looking for snakes.  I feel hopeless in lots of ways throughout my life and that is probably why I am the way I am.  This is changing though.  A lot of people have invested in me lately and that creates hope.  It creates a future.  It creates success.  I am just struggling with this new hope being created in me.   I can flip rocks for hours hoping to find a milksnake.  That is easy.  But hoping for change in life is a lot harder.  I have made some serious drastic changes in my life hoping that they will all work out.  I quit a career.  I opened a unique and very different business.  All this was done on hope that it will all work out.  Yes, I have some amazing people supporting me but it is still hope that it works out that keeps me going.

So I guess I should wrap this up by saying that Fate might be a bitch but that I have hope that the next rock will have a milksnake.  But, you really shouldn't base your life on fate and hope.  That is why I won't stop flipping rocks.  I am willing to put in the work to negate fates hold over hope and find the damn milksnake myself.  This works for snakes.  Will it work in life?

Guys Who Give

Something incredible happened to me today and it has prompted a creativity inside of me that hasn't been there in years.  So I am writing.  Let's see where this goes but there are no guarantees this will be good or I will even finish it but I am writing.

Guys Who Give happened to me today.  I quit my career as a threatened and endangered species biologist for an environmental consulting firm on January 1, 2017.  That is right.  I walked away from a great paying and successful career without a real plan for a future.  I sometimes wonder if this was a mistake but what happened today today confirmed that I did the right thing.  Today I was given a $13,000 donation from Guys Who Give to help fund our programs at My Nature Lab.

I suffer every day from imposter syndrome in my chosen path.  "I am not an educator.  I am not a scientist.  I am not qualified for my job."  Those are the things that play on repeat in my head every day but today they were slammed to basement of my pile of shit by an incredible donation.  This donation means so much more to me than just giving My Nature Lab much needed funding.  It told me that people appreciate and value what I am doing at My Nature Lab.  This donation is truly a life changer for me.

I cried today.  I cried a lot today.  I am an emotional person but I really try to bury those feelings deep especially when asked about outdoor cats or palm oil (both will make me cry if I am allowed to talk freely).  I cried today.  I cried a lot today because I was overfilled and overwhelmed by the support that this donation gave me.  It justified my choice to quit my job, work at Home Depot for a year, and then open the doors of My Nature Lab.

We opened My Nature Lab on April 22, 2018 as the educational facility of the Center for Snake Conservation.  My vision was to have a place to teach people about snakes and other reptiles.  My vision was to reach 80,000 people annually with live snakes and other reptiles.  I firmly believe that you cannot appreciate, respect, or learn to love something without hands on experiences and we are showing that love is possible at My Nature Lab every day.

I have also struggled every day since April 22, 2018.  Imposter syndrome is very real.  I have cried.  I have stressed over money.  Every month, I pay the rent late.  In fact, I have paid most of our bills late because we just don't have the money and it took more time than anticipated to make enough money to pay them.  This is devastating for a young business.  This will kill you.  I have thought about quitting. I have thought about ending everything.

But I have kept going.  The lives I touch on a daily basis with our snakes has kept me going.  Last month, 1,725 people were touched by my programs.  The stories about kids playing My Nature Lab at home have made my heart swell.  The thank you letters we post at the Lab tell me we are making a difference.  The 50 5 out 5 Facebook reviews say we are doing it right.  The almost 400 families that have bought memberships to My Nature Lab keep me going.

But today.  Today was the day.  Today, 130 men each donated $100 to My Nature Lab. Today, Guys Who Give told me that they value what I am giving to our community in 13,000 ways.  Today, we received a $13,000 donation that will give us opportunities we haven't had before.  We can hire an educator.  We can give our programs to schools for free.  We can reach more kids and adults with live snakes and reptiles.  My vision of reaching 80,000 people is within reach.

Today, I cried.  I cried a lot.  I cried tears of overwhelming happiness.  I cried tears of success.  I cried because people appreciate me.  This is something I have not ever allowed before.  This is new for me.  I might now cry every day at the Lab and now you will know why I am crying.  I am crying because I am making a difference for snakes in this world.  I am crying because I love what I do no matter how tired it makes me.  I am crying for you to learn to love snakes.  I am crying for conservation.  I am crying because I am happy.

I am an Educator.  I am a Scientist.  I am Qualified for my job.  Thank you Guys Who Give.

WOW! It has been over a year since my last post - where has the time gone?

WOW!  It has been over a year since my last post - where has the time gone?

I didn't mean to take a year off but it happened.  A lot and I mean a lot has happened since my last blog post.  So much that I don't know where to start or even how to begin to catch everyone up to what is going on in my life.  That is assuming that you care what is going on in my life - lol.  I write this blog for me anyway and right now I need to write again because things feel like they are close to derailing and that should be farthest thing from my thoughts right now.  My plan is to write when it suits me to see if I can get my train back on track.  If that doesn't work, I will head back to therapy.  :)

I am running again.  Today marks the 75th day that I have run at least one mile.  Not a bad streak actually.  I am not sure what prompted me to start running again but on July first I went out for a run and i have run at least one mile every day since then.  Yay me!  Yes.  I am bragging.

Shadow Selfie from my 75th run this morning - check out that view!

My Nature Lab is killing it.  I haven't even written about My Nature Lab and here I am telling you that it is killing it.  Things couldn't be better.  I quit my high paying corporate consulting job on January 1, 2017.  I then works at Home Depot for over a year working my way up to the Department Supervisor of Lumber and Building Materials.  I enjoyed that job but it wasn't fulfilling my desire to share snakes and their amazing natural histories with people so we opened My Nature Lab.  We opened on Earth Day (April 22) and have over 200 members with a goal of 500 in the first year.  Killing it!  That said, we still struggle each month to pay the rent and my starting salary of $42,000 annually that we just started paying last month.  Members love the Lab and they come back all the time.  We are building a strong community around snake conservation right here in Louisville.  We just need to keep growing to become financially secure.  My mind is swallowed by these thoughts of not being able to pay our bills and it has killed my creativity.  Running is helping.  Being at the Lab every day is helping.  I just need to look at the big picture and find a way to grow.

Great Horned Owls just because they are nature.

Short post this morning since the Lab is about to open for the day and I need to get ready for our members and visitors.  Just writing this short blog post is amazingly therapeutic.  I will be writing a lot more in the next few weeks/months.

The Ignorance Is Strong In My Family

"The [Ignorance] is strong in my family, my father had it, I [don't] have it, my sister has it. 

I am pissed.  I am really, really pissed.  This post is not to shame anyone although it might because I am not going to hold back.  I know the fear behind the decisions made today but I also know that education can turn FEAR INTO FASCINATION.  I live through my motto of Conservation Through Education so I hope this post isn't seen as shaming but instead viewed as a chance for education.

My sister just sent the entire family a photo of the 11.5 feet long alligator she just had removed from her yard.  It was taped up and "stunned" as the trappers loaded into their truck to kill it later.  Many of you are probably in agreement that you can't let such a dangerous and aggressive creature live near our pets and children but I need you to understand that THIS IS JUST PURE IGNORANCE!  Yes, an alligator will eat a dog, cat, chicken, or other small animal we call pets but we need to take a close look at alligators and their behavior before we start jumping to the conclusion that they are dangerous.  Yes - I normally write about snakes but large predators are also so misunderstood by humans and wrongly feared that I feel that I need to write about alligators.

Alligators have been persecuted by humans since European immigrants started asserting their dominance on North American in 1492.  They were slaughtered and indiscriminately killed by the millions until protections were put in place to ensure their survival in 1967.  Since then, alligator populations have rebounded and the species is no longer in danger of extinction and protections were removed in 1987 although it is still sort of protected because of a similarity of appearance with the endangered American crocodile.  Most states where alligators occurs now even allow hunting although the practices for this are subject to debate and often considered cruel or unnecessary.  So yes, there are plenty of alligators around and the death of a single alligator that lived in my sister's backyard canal isn't what has me so pissed off.  It is the willful ignorance that humans exhibit towards creatures we do not understand that has me irate.

Alligators are apex predators meaning that they shape the prey communities and food webs of the areas they live in.  Actually the babies and young alligators are often food for other predators so I am not counting them in my assessment of an apex predator.  But this makes them even more important in shaping the food web.  Almost anything will eat a baby alligator and they will eat almost anything themselves.

Alligators are also ecosystem engineers.  They dig waterholes that during periods of drought are the only water sources available for wildlife.  There really is a Jungle Book "water truce" during droughts - okay, maybe not a full on truce but alligator holes are keys to drought survival in the southeastern United States.  I do have to comment that you haven't lived until you have been wading in ankle deep water and your next step finds you waist deep in an alligator hole.  :)

It is IMPORTANT to remember that the American alligator is not the same creature as the sensationalized Nile crocodile or Australian saltwater crocodiles that regularly prey upon large mammals such as wildebeests or kangaroos.  Our alligators are much more at home catching fish for dinner.  In fact, alligators in central Florida have been shown to eat almost exclusively fish (about 90% of their diets) and then reptiles and amphibians are next on the list.  Mammals fall way short as prey items and are typically only eaten when fish aren't available.  I would also argue that our media loves to sensationalize alligators and crocodiles and this spreads myths and fear but that is another blog post.

My experiences with alligators began in 1989 when visited my brother in Birdsville, Georgia where he was a technician on a wood stork foraging ecology study.  As part of the study, they had to wade through a cypress swamp to reach a blind that was at nest level in the top of the trees.  As we were waist deep in water wading into the blind, David told me about the alligator that he stepped on TWICE while wading into the blind earlier that year.  He survived and no alligators attacked us on our way into the blind or on the way out that day.  I then moved to Kentucky and forgot about alligators for many, many years.

I later moved to Florida for graduate school in 1997.  Heather and I moved into an apartment complex that had water retention ponds all around it and it seemed that every 100 feet or so had an alligator living in the pond.  Well, we had just adopted a puppy that LOVED water and running as fast as he could through it.  He would swim everywhere!  So naturally, I listened to the media about the dangers of alligators.  I became worried about an alligator eating him especially one of the tame and people acclimated alligators that lived in these ponds.  But I was also diligent about keeping an eye on my pup and keeping him on a leash if needed to keep him safe.  There weren't any fences to keep him safe, it was my job and he lived 13 years old.  Yes, Ripley was a 90 pound Labrador Shepard mix and this might have been different for a 20 pound rat dog but it would have still been my responsibility to keep my pets safe.  It was not my responsibility to remove an alligator that may or may not have been a threat to my pet when I was the one living in and impacting the alligator's home range.  Wow.  That sounds judgmental and preachy but maybe it is supposed to be.  We are the intruders - not the wildlife.  Unfortunately humans have a way of exerting their will on the planet in ways that isn't often beneficial to native wildlife.

Since living in Florida, I have waded countless hours through swamps, ponds, and rivers with alligators in them.  Not once have I encountered an alligator that I felt threatened by.  Not even when catching babies that were grunting for mom to come save them.  Yes, I have caught alligators - not wrestling around like the Crocodile Hunter but still with my bare hands.  Alligators are powerful predators but they are also very shy and retreating.  This makes them extremely difficult to catch without hurting or injuring them, which is why I have never used a trap to catch an alligator.  If I can't catch it with my hands without hurting the animal, I just don't catch it.  Catching alligators was something I did in my younger, macho days and I don't think I would do it again unless my boys wanted to experience holding an alligator.  I understand the need to catch things - here is a photo of my brother with an alligator we caught in Florida a few years ago so I guess am mistaken.  I must still do the macho thing and catch them.

David with alligator

I can almost feel you appreciating my stories but I can also sense that my experiences just are not good enough to help you shed your fear of these amazing predators.  I can hear you say "but Cameron, you are a herpetologist with tons of field experience.  No wonder you aren't afraid of alligators".  Yes, this is true but I want to tell you that no one has to fear alligators or snakes.  I know that you lost a pup to a diamondback rattlesnake in the past.  I know that this was painful but please understand that the snake wasn't attacking your dog.  The snake was defending itself as it was being attacked.  The same goes for alligators.  Alligators don't decide to eat dogs or other pets - they actually prefer fish.  We put our pets in danger by creating opportunities for an alligator to encounter our pets and this can be mitigated.  We can protect our pets without killing snakes and alligators.  And I have to add this here - statistically speaking, we have more of a chance of killing our pets with our own cars than they do of being eaten by an alligator.  I can understand your fear but I also want to help you overcome it.

So what should you do if you have an 11.5 foot long alligator move into the neighborhood?  Lots of things.  Take pictures.  Take videos.  Research alligators.  Talk about alligators.  Learn that alligators have complex social hierarchies and that removing large males creates voids in the population structure.  I don't want to scare you but removing large alligators actually opens up habitats for smaller alligators to exploit and it is the small, unseen alligator that often catches our pets.  We can and should build a temporary fence to keep our pet critters from getting too close to the water and mixing with the wild critters.  Predators such as alligators are very good at catching prey - they didn't get big by starving.  But if we eliminate any potential encounters, they will become bored (or hungry) and move on to easier prey.  A temporary fence is a great alligator deterrent because it eliminates any chance encounters.  We can also research ways to safely disturb alligators so that they don't want to stick around.  They may not be legal (I would need to check your local laws) but fireworks can be used to disturb a stubborn alligator.  It isn't going to be an easy or overnight fix to convince an alligator not to live in your canal but it is a much better option than to remove a large apex predator from the social hierarchy of the ecosystem.   Alligators are very long-lived and one that is over 11 feet long is likely over 30 years old.  He has a high rank in the alligator world and may have even been top dog.  Pretty impressive if you think about it.

I started this post with a quote from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi when Luke is awkwardly explaining to Leia that she is his sister.  It is also going to help me share a success story that occurred in my family.  "My father once had it" - meaning I think he is ready to let snakes live in his yard unharmed.  I once got an email from my parents with a picture of a dead copperhead that they had killed in their yard.  My parents built a home in the woods of eastern Tennessee where copperheads might just be the most common terrestrial snake.  Still they had only seen this one copperhead in the 6 years that they had lived there at the time.  But they killed it.  In their email text, they apologized for killing the snake even if it wasn't a copperhead.  This meant that they had killed it on the assumption that it was a copperhead because they weren't able to identify it before they killed it.  I was furious! Not only had they killed a snake, they killed it before they knew what it was, and they killed it against my saying that "The Only Good Snake Is Every LIVE Snake".  Even copperheads are great snakes to have around and their reputations are horribly and negatively exaggerated.  Everything that I was trying to do (Conservation Through Education) had gone completely mute with my own parents.  I was devastated.  If I couldn't even convince my parents not to kill snakes, how could I educate others and make a difference for snakes?  Thankfully, my brother took the lead on talking to my parents as I don't think I would have been very nice if I had responded.  He even sent my father some snake tongs to help relocate any other copperheads that they might find. Well, they haven't seen anymore copperheads until just recently.  My mother sent me a text a few weeks ago saying that she had seen a copperhead near her compost pile in their yard.  She left it to go get my father so he could take a photo of it to send to me but when they got back, the snake had disappeared.  In the meantime, I responded to her text with "Please do not kill it" and do you know what her response to me was?  Well, it made me glow and shine with happiness - you can read it for yourself below.  Everything was perfect - no killing snakes and the snake did exactly as predicted - it DISAPPEARED!

So, back to the alligator.  I am pissed.  I am really, really pissed.  But I also know that we can learn to live with wildlife.  We can educate ourselves to not fear the unknown but rather to embrace it.  We can change Fear Into Fascination.   My intent with this post is not to shame anyone although as I reread it, there is some shame in my words.  Some of that shame is that I have not done enough to educate my own family about how we can coexist with critters and predators.  My intent with this post was for me to talk out my disappointment and frustration that a 30 year old apex predator and ecosystem engineer died today because we fear the unknown.  There are plenty of alligators that will take its place but that isn't justification enough for me.  Fear of the unknown is human nature but we can (and should) educate ourselves to mitigate our fears.  I just happen to be passionate about what I do and so I had to write it down.  We can all live by my motto - "Conservation Through Education".

Nancy - I love you.  Although I may not agree with your decision to have the alligator removed, I do understand that we fear the unknown and having a 11.5 foot long alligator living in your canal is a BIG unknown.  Alligators are so poorly understood and there are so many false myths about the dangers they pose to us and our pets.  It is hard to articulate my feelings especially since having a large predator call my yard home would be a thrill and highlight for me rather than fear and anxiety.  It is like the time when I got a text from Heather that a great horned owl had killed a chicken.  My reaction was "did you get video" rather than concern for my pet.  Losing a chicken should not have been a highlight but predators simply amaze me.