WTF #1

This is my first WTF blog post of my 40th year on this planet.  I am sure there will be many more so I am going to number them as the year goes on.

That is all I have for this blog post - just a big, giant, gianormous WTF.  Things have been going so well in parts of my life then a blow from the side that you never see coming - like the left paw punch I got from my big dog the other day (see video but be warned - the music is NOT kid or some adults friendly - definitely NSFR.  Turn the sound down if you want kids to watch the video).  Out of nowhere, the plug gets pulled and all my electricity is gone.

Pick A Fight - Explicit from Snakes on Vimeo.

Here is a more friendly version for those who are easily offended.

Pick A Fight - Family Friendly from Snakes on Vimeo.

I should have seen of all this coming.  There is no fault but mine.  I was asking too much, too soon.  I know there are ups and downs in life - I just never thought I would get "junk punched" so hard.  It hurts but I will come back.  There will be pain.  There will be sadness.  There is a lot of change and work that must occur for me to get back to where I was.  There will be long conversations.  There will be healing.  There will be love and happiness regardless of the outcome.

Here are two photos of my eyes.  My right eye photo was taken before Thanksgiving and is bright and happy.  My left eye photo was taken this morning and is puffy, bruised from my fight with the big dog, and sad.  I am so hoping that January brings a better and much more stable month than December.  I am tired of the ups and downs.

Right eye

Left eye

So I think REM describes my feeling for today's WTF best:

"This one goes out to the one I love,

This one goes out to the one I've left behind.

A simple prop to occupy my time.

This one goes out to the one I love."

I promised a gianormous WTF so here it is:

WHAT THE FUCK!

Sadness

Do you ever just feel sad?  I do and that is the way I feel right now at 9:44am on Friday, December 20, 2013.  Why?  Lots of reasons actually.

1. Future - I am not thinking about the future and what it holds for me.  I am still living in the past and a little bit in the present.  Just look at my blogs.  I promised in my first blog to be candid (I have been), honest (I write in code but it is honest), and to not write about the past.  I have been dwelling on who I was and not who I am going to be.  It is time to start looking forward and to achieving my goals and finding the happiness I deserve.
2. Relationships - Read Southern Fried Chicken.  Am I doing this?  Not really.  I said I would but I keep finding ways to sabotage myself.  I keep saying the wrong thing.  I keep doing the wrong thing.  I owe it to my current, new, and future relationships to hold myself accountable in meeting the needs of those that matter to me.  I historically have not met your needs and I am trying to learn.  I do need patience from you as I learn to give and receive love.
3. Fitness - I have been ignoring my fitness.  Today's blog is about getting active.  The blog MyFitnessPal is about branching out to an online community for help.  I don't think I have logged into MyFitnessPal since the day I wrote the blog - WTF!  I am trying to keep up with FitBit by sending taunts and cheers but I am 18th on my leaderboard with only 60,000 steps in the last week.  I used to average 100,000 steps a week.  I have one FitBit friend that I chat with quite often to check in about our step totals, our lives, our needs, our wants, and help motivate each other.  It is this understanding that I need to embrace and use it to move forward.  I am hoping today's Pig to Fox blog does just that.
4. Running - WTF! Have I forgotten my passion?  What is the name of this blog?  This is completely unacceptable and instead of beating myself up, I am going to blog every run I do from now on.  They may be boring blogs to you but they will hold me accountable.
5. Snakes - WTF!  Have I forgotten my passion?  What is the name of this blog?  I am going to bring you a snake every day from today on.  These blogs may be boring to you but they will help keep the fire in my passion burning.  I have almost put the flames out.
6. Future - Yes.  Again.  This is very important.  I have been living in the self-defeating world of my past (read Where Have I Gone).  In my first blog, I gave you permission to "kick my ass" if I started talking about the past.  I want you to "kick my ass" every time I do this.  I want you to "kick my ass" even if I say something that shows I am living too much in the present (dangerously close to the past) and not looking forward to the future in my blogs, texts, or conversations with you.  Until I learn this myself, the "kick my ass" reminders will be needed.  Yes, I am often very "good with words" but this does not make me right.  My skill with words has come from years of talking myself out of improving, out of changing my situation, of staying comfortable with my depression, and ignoring those that matter to me (basically keeping me in the comfort of the past no matter how unhappy I may be - the future is scary!).  I apologize if I have ever used my skill with words against you.  It is not my intent to hurt you.  My words are used to keep myself comfortable.  This can be hurtful to you and it is especially hurtful to myself.  I am sorry. 

So there are lots of reasons I feel sad today.  Most of them have to do with me not keeping my promises to myself (using my skills with words to talk myself out of living for the future) and others.  Others have to do with my failures to others and my relationships.  This sucks.  I am sad today but I have another 16 hours today to make sure I end it happy.

 

So it is time to go for a walk, think about all this, and be happy.

 

Cameron

 

 

 

Sunrise - December 18, 2013

I got to sleep in this morning because it was a crossing guard day. This meant I got to see a rare sunrise this time of year. Normally I am at work as the sun rises in December and January.  The photos below are all taken from my bathroom that has very large windows facing east.  To say the least, this is a wonderful place to shower and watch the sunrise to start my day.

First Light - Horizon on Fire

5 Minutes Later

Another 5 Minutes