WTF #1

This is my first WTF blog post of my 40th year on this planet.  I am sure there will be many more so I am going to number them as the year goes on.

That is all I have for this blog post - just a big, giant, gianormous WTF.  Things have been going so well in parts of my life then a blow from the side that you never see coming - like the left paw punch I got from my big dog the other day (see video but be warned - the music is NOT kid or some adults friendly - definitely NSFR.  Turn the sound down if you want kids to watch the video).  Out of nowhere, the plug gets pulled and all my electricity is gone.

Pick A Fight - Explicit from Snakes on Vimeo.

Here is a more friendly version for those who are easily offended.

Pick A Fight - Family Friendly from Snakes on Vimeo.

I should have seen of all this coming.  There is no fault but mine.  I was asking too much, too soon.  I know there are ups and downs in life - I just never thought I would get "junk punched" so hard.  It hurts but I will come back.  There will be pain.  There will be sadness.  There is a lot of change and work that must occur for me to get back to where I was.  There will be long conversations.  There will be healing.  There will be love and happiness regardless of the outcome.

Here are two photos of my eyes.  My right eye photo was taken before Thanksgiving and is bright and happy.  My left eye photo was taken this morning and is puffy, bruised from my fight with the big dog, and sad.  I am so hoping that January brings a better and much more stable month than December.  I am tired of the ups and downs.

Right eye

Left eye

So I think REM describes my feeling for today's WTF best:

"This one goes out to the one I love,

This one goes out to the one I've left behind.

A simple prop to occupy my time.

This one goes out to the one I love."

I promised a gianormous WTF so here it is:

WHAT THE FUCK!

What is really underneath all that snow?

There is a chore at my house that if not done daily quickly becomes a chore of epic proportions.  This chore is picking up the dog shit.  I have talked about this chore before in Ordinary Average Guy but my self-discovery has brought a new meaning to dog shit.  Actually, I cannot take full credit for this blog post but I will get to that in a little bit.

Just over two weeks ago, we got some snow.  Typically on the eastern plains of Colorado (Denver is not in the mountains as is commonly misunderstood) this isn't a big deal.  It snows, the sun comes out, it warms up, and the snow is gone in 2-3 days.  This last snow came during a bitter cold snap of 4-5 days of negative temperatures and little sun.  The snow was here to stay awhile.

So what does snow have to do with dog poop?  This is where I have to give credit for this blog to Homer Simpson.  While I had already taken the photos I will share, I did not know what I was going to do with them.  Then last week, while watching NFL football on FOX, I heard a trailer for the Simpsons coming on that night.  Homer was dancing around in his usual way and exclaimed "Waahoo!  It is snowing so now I don't have to pick up the dog poop!".  This episode of the Simpsons is still too new for me to find and capture a few clips to add to my blog.  Maybe I can add them later.

Why was Homer so excited?  Shit, I just noticed that I ask a lot of questions in my blog.  I guess this is how I think - I am always asking the who, what, where, how, why, when questions in my grasp to understand my world.  Constant curiosity that gets me in a LOT of trouble sometimes.  It can also really turn others off when I just don't leave them alone when they clearly need space to breath.  I know I can be overbearing but remember, I am trying to figure out who I am so I have to ask a lot of questions about who you are and what you are doing.  

Back to Homer's excitement - Homer was pumped because snow completely covers the shit in your yard.  It takes a yard full of shit and turns it into a crisp "clean" white landscape.  The trouble is that the shit is still there.

What does the snow really hide?

This is a great metaphor for how I have been living.  I have for my entire life, lived burying my shit under a false arrogance (see Social Fear) and big smile.  However, the shit is still there and can emerge once the snow starts melting (see Blood for the Gods).

The snow is starting to melt

There is only one solution to this shit filled hot mess - get your hands dirty and deal with the shit as it happens.  Yes, follow your dogs around with a pooper scooper and clean up your yard as the shit happens.  If you are brave enough, catch the shit before it even hits the grass.

I am a chronic procrastinator - catching shit is just not in my nature and neither is picking it up daily.  The photos in this blog post prove that I let the snow cover my shit hiding it from everyone until it is too late.  I promise - the snow always melts to expose your shit and then everyone sees it.

The snow is melting revealing lots of shit I did not know was there

I am dealing with melting snow right now in my life.  Things are changing quickly.  I regressed for a few weeks after Thanksgiving but I am again looking towards the future.  I think that actually admitting my regression in Sadness yesterday helped me realize that the snow is melting again.  

There are many new things that I want in my life - unfortunately I cannot fully have them until I completely deal with the old things that still haunt me.  Does this mean that I cannot commit to the new things?  Absolutely not!  Does this mean I cannot experience the new things in my life?  I sure as hell hope not.  I want to experience the new things, live the new things, have the new things, love the new things, and be the new things as I deal with and close the book on the old things.  

In search of the new things before the snow melts

Some of you may disagree with this approach and argue that in order to fully enjoy the new things in life, I must first completely move on from the things I have buried so long.  I reiterate - ABSOLUTELY NOT!  The new things give me the strength and happiness to help me deal with my demons.  Without the new things, the old things that I am dragging from the depths of my brain will dominate my psyche pulling me back into my old habits and depression.  This is not the route I am taking this time around.  I will fight for the new things at the same time I leave the old things behind.  I am tired of waiting and procrastinating the things that make me happy.

Do you need examples of the new things and the old things?  If you want examples, please stick around and watch the snow melt.  There are giant piles of shit for me to clean up but there is also bright green grass growing next to the poop giving me the happiness to pick up more shit even faster.  I can't wait to see how tall and green the grass grows - it has been fertilized and buried for a very long time.

Giant pile of shit that has been buried by the snow of my mind

Sadness

Do you ever just feel sad?  I do and that is the way I feel right now at 9:44am on Friday, December 20, 2013.  Why?  Lots of reasons actually.

1. Future - I am not thinking about the future and what it holds for me.  I am still living in the past and a little bit in the present.  Just look at my blogs.  I promised in my first blog to be candid (I have been), honest (I write in code but it is honest), and to not write about the past.  I have been dwelling on who I was and not who I am going to be.  It is time to start looking forward and to achieving my goals and finding the happiness I deserve.
2. Relationships - Read Southern Fried Chicken.  Am I doing this?  Not really.  I said I would but I keep finding ways to sabotage myself.  I keep saying the wrong thing.  I keep doing the wrong thing.  I owe it to my current, new, and future relationships to hold myself accountable in meeting the needs of those that matter to me.  I historically have not met your needs and I am trying to learn.  I do need patience from you as I learn to give and receive love.
3. Fitness - I have been ignoring my fitness.  Today's blog is about getting active.  The blog MyFitnessPal is about branching out to an online community for help.  I don't think I have logged into MyFitnessPal since the day I wrote the blog - WTF!  I am trying to keep up with FitBit by sending taunts and cheers but I am 18th on my leaderboard with only 60,000 steps in the last week.  I used to average 100,000 steps a week.  I have one FitBit friend that I chat with quite often to check in about our step totals, our lives, our needs, our wants, and help motivate each other.  It is this understanding that I need to embrace and use it to move forward.  I am hoping today's Pig to Fox blog does just that.
4. Running - WTF! Have I forgotten my passion?  What is the name of this blog?  This is completely unacceptable and instead of beating myself up, I am going to blog every run I do from now on.  They may be boring blogs to you but they will hold me accountable.
5. Snakes - WTF!  Have I forgotten my passion?  What is the name of this blog?  I am going to bring you a snake every day from today on.  These blogs may be boring to you but they will help keep the fire in my passion burning.  I have almost put the flames out.
6. Future - Yes.  Again.  This is very important.  I have been living in the self-defeating world of my past (read Where Have I Gone).  In my first blog, I gave you permission to "kick my ass" if I started talking about the past.  I want you to "kick my ass" every time I do this.  I want you to "kick my ass" even if I say something that shows I am living too much in the present (dangerously close to the past) and not looking forward to the future in my blogs, texts, or conversations with you.  Until I learn this myself, the "kick my ass" reminders will be needed.  Yes, I am often very "good with words" but this does not make me right.  My skill with words has come from years of talking myself out of improving, out of changing my situation, of staying comfortable with my depression, and ignoring those that matter to me (basically keeping me in the comfort of the past no matter how unhappy I may be - the future is scary!).  I apologize if I have ever used my skill with words against you.  It is not my intent to hurt you.  My words are used to keep myself comfortable.  This can be hurtful to you and it is especially hurtful to myself.  I am sorry. 

So there are lots of reasons I feel sad today.  Most of them have to do with me not keeping my promises to myself (using my skills with words to talk myself out of living for the future) and others.  Others have to do with my failures to others and my relationships.  This sucks.  I am sad today but I have another 16 hours today to make sure I end it happy.

 

So it is time to go for a walk, think about all this, and be happy.

 

Cameron

 

 

 

Baby, Please Don't Go

One of the most covered songs out there - I wonder why?  Is it because we always long for what we had once after it is gone? 

As sad as this song is, I really like it.  It crept its way into my head today so I thought I would dedicate a post to some of the versions I like:

Baby, Please Don't Go

John Lee Hooker

 

Van Morrison

Ted Nugent

Aerosmith