Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Where have I gone?

Something strange has happened to me.  I was typically taking 8-10 photos a day and some days I was taking 50.  My last photos were taken on Saturday morning and I just realized that I haven't even thought about taking a photo since.  This is strange and may be a clue into the funk I am in right now. 

A lot has been going on for me lately.  Things are changing rapidly.  I don't understand a lot of the changes.  I don't understand reasoning anymore.  I don't feel like I am on the same page with anyone.  I am letting people down.  People are angry with me.  I am failing as a father and friend.  I am failing in life right now. 

I have found myself pulling my emotions back into my vault.  This is to protect me from hurt.  The trouble is that at the same time my self-loathing is rearing its nasty head and I am attacking myself.  I am blaming myself for everything - even things completely unrelated to me and out of my control.  I am relentless.  I am mean.  I am just plain awful to myself.

Photos were rapidly becoming an outlet for self-love.  I had been taking a lot of selfies to remind myself of who I am and what as I doing.  These were also keeping me focused on the present and future - not my scary and nasty past.

I do not want to go back to where I was - my past is something I hope to leave behind.  My past haunts me and I need it to go away.  I need to find my passion for running and snakes again.  I must find my self-love.  I must start taking photos again.  

The last photos I took before I completely lost my photo inspiration.

Boomerang - throw it and hope it comes back

Big dog loving me
Big dog trying to sit on my lap
Big and little dog napping
Big dog rough housing with the boys

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