Monday, December 30, 2013

White Men Can't Jump

I will freely admit that I can't dance.  You might think that this isn't a problem because white men aren't supposed to be able to dance - something about DNA and cultural evolution away from rhythm.  White men aren't supposed to be able to jump either or at least that is what Wesley Snipes says in White Man Can't Jump.  However, as a 6'0" white man who was able to dunk a basketball in his prime and can still grab the rim with both hands at age 39 and 60 days old, I am telling you that some white men can jump.  I just wish I could dance too.

Woody Harrelson dunking in WMCJ
If case you don't know the WMCJ reference, here is the 1992 trailer for the movie.  Watch it and the movie if you can - you won't be disappointed.

Well, I need to change my statement above.  I normally can't dance but if the condition is right I am the best dancer in the house, bar, club, or anywhere.  That condition is my physical and mental state when altered by a high quality tequila.  You already know about my affinity for good tequila (Bucket List #9 - Karaoke).  It takes a fair amount of tequila to get me on the dance floor but when I hit the right level of inebriation, I can dance like Joaquín Cortés.

Beer won't do it.  Wine won't do it.  I don't drink whiskey or bourbon unless I am having a mint julep on Derby Day.  Vodka won't do it.  Grand Marnier has done it before but really tequila is the only guaranteed option for getting me on the dance floor.  I actually haven't tried Red Bull and Absolut but I get a sneaky suspicion the alcohol-caffeine combination would do the trick (I guess I will have to try it soon and report back).
Red Bull and Absolut
If you know me from college, you know I have a unique relationship with tequila.  Tequila makes me happy - very happy.  I love everyone and think everyone loves me.  Tequila grabs my hand and pulls me onto the dance floor after about the 6th shot but I won't stop there.  10 shots is the ultimate high - I will dance the night away after that.  I believe that I am the best dancer in the world.  Actually after 12 shots, I KNOW I am the best dancer in the world.  You can't pull me off the dance floor except to toast my amazing dance moves with another tequila shot.  Dancing is fun - a lot of fun but only after consuming a quantity of tequila destined to produce a kill hangover the next morning.

So why am I writing about dancing if I can't dance unless I'm drunk to the point of a huge hangover?

Dancing is going to be my new problem solver - that is why!  I am going to learn to dance. Not a line dance, not the four step, not salsa although I may include all of these moves in my dancing.  My dancing is going to make me happy regardless of how bad or good my situation is or becomes.  I am going to DANCE in 2014.  I am going to dance my worries away.  Just like Kevin Bacon (my look-a-like) in Footloose (see below), I am going to dance, dance, dance all the crap in my life OUT of my life!  I don't care where or when I need to dance - it is just going to happen.

Why dance?  Couldn't I just chew gum or take a big breath?  No.  I am choosing to dance for a lot of reasons.  Dancing is exercise.  Dancing will raise my heart rate.  A raised heart rate will release endorphins which will then change my perspective.  Dancing will move me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Dancing will attack my self-loathing and defeat it.  Dancing will make me happy.

I know, I know - I said I can't dance but really who actually cares.  Dance is just a way of expressing your feelings through movement.  Most people can't really dance regardless of color, race, gender, or sexual orientation.  Just go to your local dance club and watch.  No one dances well.  In fact, I believe that only a few humans are gifted with the true gift of beautiful dance.

Okay - here is some evidence to help you admit that most humans cannot dance - look at the way Cate Blanchett (top ten) dances in the movie Bandits.  I sometimes imagine Queen Kate dancing like this when she is baking her world famous cookies (silly sidebar).  Seriously, watch the clip below - Cate is giving it her all in a true, uninhibited dance.  This is how humans dance!  We just go for it.  Cate is dancing because it makes her happy.  Dancing (actually any movement that raises our heart rates) makes us happy.

Admit it - you know you dance every chance you get.  If you can tell me that when no one is around and the music is turned up that you don't shake your butt a little, then I am a monkey's uncle (I guess this is technically true since humans are primates but you get the point).  Hell, if Tom Cruise can shake his ass and make love to the couch in Risky Business, then we all can dance when alone.  

If the Breakfast Club can dance in the library, then why can't I dance in my office, on the bus, at the store or in the front yard.  The answer is that I can dance in these places.  And believe me when I tell you, I WILL BE DANCING.  I will dance whenever I get stressed or my anxiety rises.  I am going to dance when I am sad, mad, irritated, happy, or in the middle of a great orgasm (well maybe not then).  I am going to dance Zeus Dammit!

So all this brings me to my first public and SOBER dance.  No tequila involved.  The video below was taken at 8:12pm on December 30, 2013.  Yes, I actually made a video of me dancing.  My head is cut off in most of it but I decided I liked the video just the way it is.  The poor composition adds to the whole joke of me dancing.

I am happy now.  The dance video was a blast to make.  It took no longer than 15 minutes from beginning to end.  It took my anxiety of dancing in public and told it to fuck off, Cameron is dancing.  This short video has inspired a series of future blogs to show you just where and when I use my my technique for being happy.  I am going to film myself dancing everywhere I can.  Stay tuned for future videos!

I hope you enjoy the video as much as I did making it.  Now get out there and DANCE!

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