WTF #1

This is my first WTF blog post of my 40th year on this planet.  I am sure there will be many more so I am going to number them as the year goes on.

That is all I have for this blog post - just a big, giant, gianormous WTF.  Things have been going so well in parts of my life then a blow from the side that you never see coming - like the left paw punch I got from my big dog the other day (see video but be warned - the music is NOT kid or some adults friendly - definitely NSFR.  Turn the sound down if you want kids to watch the video).  Out of nowhere, the plug gets pulled and all my electricity is gone.

Pick A Fight - Explicit from Snakes on Vimeo.

Here is a more friendly version for those who are easily offended.

Pick A Fight - Family Friendly from Snakes on Vimeo.

I should have seen of all this coming.  There is no fault but mine.  I was asking too much, too soon.  I know there are ups and downs in life - I just never thought I would get "junk punched" so hard.  It hurts but I will come back.  There will be pain.  There will be sadness.  There is a lot of change and work that must occur for me to get back to where I was.  There will be long conversations.  There will be healing.  There will be love and happiness regardless of the outcome.

Here are two photos of my eyes.  My right eye photo was taken before Thanksgiving and is bright and happy.  My left eye photo was taken this morning and is puffy, bruised from my fight with the big dog, and sad.  I am so hoping that January brings a better and much more stable month than December.  I am tired of the ups and downs.

Right eye

Left eye

So I think REM describes my feeling for today's WTF best:

"This one goes out to the one I love,

This one goes out to the one I've left behind.

A simple prop to occupy my time.

This one goes out to the one I love."

I promised a gianormous WTF so here it is:

WHAT THE FUCK!

Sadness

Do you ever just feel sad?  I do and that is the way I feel right now at 9:44am on Friday, December 20, 2013.  Why?  Lots of reasons actually.

1. Future - I am not thinking about the future and what it holds for me.  I am still living in the past and a little bit in the present.  Just look at my blogs.  I promised in my first blog to be candid (I have been), honest (I write in code but it is honest), and to not write about the past.  I have been dwelling on who I was and not who I am going to be.  It is time to start looking forward and to achieving my goals and finding the happiness I deserve.
2. Relationships - Read Southern Fried Chicken.  Am I doing this?  Not really.  I said I would but I keep finding ways to sabotage myself.  I keep saying the wrong thing.  I keep doing the wrong thing.  I owe it to my current, new, and future relationships to hold myself accountable in meeting the needs of those that matter to me.  I historically have not met your needs and I am trying to learn.  I do need patience from you as I learn to give and receive love.
3. Fitness - I have been ignoring my fitness.  Today's blog is about getting active.  The blog MyFitnessPal is about branching out to an online community for help.  I don't think I have logged into MyFitnessPal since the day I wrote the blog - WTF!  I am trying to keep up with FitBit by sending taunts and cheers but I am 18th on my leaderboard with only 60,000 steps in the last week.  I used to average 100,000 steps a week.  I have one FitBit friend that I chat with quite often to check in about our step totals, our lives, our needs, our wants, and help motivate each other.  It is this understanding that I need to embrace and use it to move forward.  I am hoping today's Pig to Fox blog does just that.
4. Running - WTF! Have I forgotten my passion?  What is the name of this blog?  This is completely unacceptable and instead of beating myself up, I am going to blog every run I do from now on.  They may be boring blogs to you but they will hold me accountable.
5. Snakes - WTF!  Have I forgotten my passion?  What is the name of this blog?  I am going to bring you a snake every day from today on.  These blogs may be boring to you but they will help keep the fire in my passion burning.  I have almost put the flames out.
6. Future - Yes.  Again.  This is very important.  I have been living in the self-defeating world of my past (read Where Have I Gone).  In my first blog, I gave you permission to "kick my ass" if I started talking about the past.  I want you to "kick my ass" every time I do this.  I want you to "kick my ass" even if I say something that shows I am living too much in the present (dangerously close to the past) and not looking forward to the future in my blogs, texts, or conversations with you.  Until I learn this myself, the "kick my ass" reminders will be needed.  Yes, I am often very "good with words" but this does not make me right.  My skill with words has come from years of talking myself out of improving, out of changing my situation, of staying comfortable with my depression, and ignoring those that matter to me (basically keeping me in the comfort of the past no matter how unhappy I may be - the future is scary!).  I apologize if I have ever used my skill with words against you.  It is not my intent to hurt you.  My words are used to keep myself comfortable.  This can be hurtful to you and it is especially hurtful to myself.  I am sorry. 

So there are lots of reasons I feel sad today.  Most of them have to do with me not keeping my promises to myself (using my skills with words to talk myself out of living for the future) and others.  Others have to do with my failures to others and my relationships.  This sucks.  I am sad today but I have another 16 hours today to make sure I end it happy.

 

So it is time to go for a walk, think about all this, and be happy.

 

Cameron

 

 

 

Three Little Birds

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', this is my message to you-ou-ou

I woke up this morning with Bob Marley's Three Little Birds ringing in my ears.  I want to believe that this was my energy's way of communicating with the universe to tell me that "every little thing gonna be all right".

 

This morning (as with a lot of mornings lately), my anxiety jolted me awake at 3:00am and I thought I was about to have a major attack.  Thoughts of "fuck it Cameron - you aren't going to be able to sleep anymore.  Just get up and suck it up", raged through my head.  I was able to swallow these thoughts long enough to fall back asleep just to wake up many more times before I had to get up at 5:00am (maybe I should have just gotten up).  Lots of things crossed my mind during those two hours of restless sleep - lots of things.  Recent events, past events, things I need to do, things I haven't done, people I wish would talk to me, people I need to talk to, people I want to talk to, things I want, things I don't want, things I want to say, things I need to say, things I can't say (not yet at least), and even #10 - lots of things.

As I rolled out of bed and headed to the shower, the words "this is my message to you-ou-ou" resonated in my mind.  I began to sing Three Little Birds while I showered focusing on "Don't worry, about a thing, cause every little thing gonna be all right". This helped me change my perspective from stress to relief before I left the shower.  Maybe I just need to smoke a shitload of pot (it will be legal on January 1st), grow dreadlocks, and sing reggae for the rest of my life.  Oh yeah - Heather's step-brother is trying that approach to life and he may just be the most fucked up person I know - scratch the Rasta idea.

But just for today - I am going to live like Bob and keep singing Three Little Birds while I listen to a reggae Pandora station.  Just in my bus commute to work, I has several songs speak to me as they are very relevant to what is happening in my life.  Please take some time and listen to them yourself - you never know what these songs may say to you or how you may feel when you hear them.  Reggae is powerful magic - enjoy it.

Love Is My Religion - Ziggy Marley

Just listen and love - we don't need anything else in this world but love.

 

A Lifetime - Ziggy Marley

Parts of two verses speak to me:

"Took the risk the chance just to understand
Well I been cold, bold, selfish, misunderstood
Like the lamb I will sacrifice to find you"

"Been around so many people, without you I'm always alone
Gazing into space, my existence unknown
I don't want to be here, I wanna be near"

 

Talkin' Blues - Bob Marley

Baby Steps.  This song reaches me in more ways that just my sleep patterns - these lines nail it for me:

"I've been down on the rock for so long, (so long)
I seem to wear a permanent screw. (screw-oo-oo-oo-oo)
But-a I - I'm gonna stare in the sun,
Let the rays shine in my eyes.
I - I'm a gonna take a just-a one step more"