Music Speaks

How many of you just listen to music because you like it?  Crap – that is a stupid question.  Of course you like it or you wouldn’t listen to it.  But do you ever let the music speak to you?  I don’t mean just listen to the lyrics or feel the beat and let the words move you.  Instead, do you have a song that “speaks” to you?  I mean does music ever appear to in your life with purpose and meaning?  It does for me and it seems that music speaking to me is a common theme for my blog (a list of past music blogs are at the bottom of this post). 
 

Borrowed from The World Unplugged - https://theworldunplugged.wordpress.com/typesofmedia/music/

Growing up, I wasn’t really into music.  Sure I listened to it but I could never tell you the words or meaning of a song.  I couldn’t even tell you who wrote or sang a song.  My entire life, I have been envious of people that can recite song lyrics and know the band in the first three notes of a song but now I realize that I listen to music differently.  I don’t listen to music to enjoy it although I do enjoy music.  I listen to music to see if it speaks to me and what it could be saying. 

 

Before Pandora, I rarely listened to music.  As I mention above, I am not very good at knowing bands or who sings songs that I like on the radio.  This just led me to not listen to music unless someone else was listening to it.  But Pandora has changed this.  Pandora picks the playlist for me and I think this is why music speaks to me regularly now.  The universe knows what energy I need and then plays a song that fits my mood or feeling at that moment.  The music speaks.

This morning is a GREAT example of this and it has continued through the day today (more on why I am listening to music at work in a bit).  My routine each morning is to drive to the bus stop (I should be riding my bike but that is another story) listening to Mike & Mike (sports radio show).  If they are having a conversation that I want to continue to listen to, I open the ESPN Radio app on my phone and keep listening.  However, most mornings I am not interested in what they are talking about so as I walk across the pedestrian bridge to cross the highway to catch my bus, I start the Pandora app.   Not only do I enjoy the music but it often speaks to me (see previous blogs listed below).  Here is how the music spoke to me this morning:

First song this morning:  1-8-7 on an Undercover Cop by Dr. Dre (click here to listen).  187 is the California Penal Code for murder and the song is a pretty graphic song about gangster life in Los Angeles.  First question I can hear you asking yourself right now is "Why is Cameron listening to Gangster Rap?" and I don’t really have an answer for you.  It fits my mood these days and this song really nailed it this morning.  Today is my first day reporting to my new company’s office.   I feel like everything at work has been taken away and I am just in the system.   I lost my office with a door and now I just sit at a workstation.  I feel demoted and underappreciated for my skills and work.  I am now just one of the masses at an office job.  This is something that I have never felt before and I want out.  As Dr. Dre writes and sings, “I got my eyes on the shit unfolding.  And there ain’t gonna be no trippin’ cause they know the type of shit that I be holding.”

My new "workspace" at work



I then checked my horoscope.  I used to check this frequently but haven’t in a long time but hey if the Universe is speaking to me through music, why not check my horoscope as well?  BAM!  It hit me hard. 

My horoscope for the 14th of December, 2015

My current situation is buried deep in the dirt and I have to trust that the sun is up there shining down.  If I can trust the sun, I will sprout and have a chance to grow big and beautiful.  I am not sure if this is with my current employer but I have a feeling it is talking about my snake dream.

I make the sun shine in my so called "workspace" with a snake (it isn't real unfortunately)

Immediately after I read my horoscope, the song Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz cued up on Pandora.  Bam – music speaks (listen here).  I don’t normally put an entire song’s lyrics into my blog but this is just too perfect not too.

 

"Clint Eastwood"

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but not for long
The future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on

Yeah... Ha Ha!
Finally someone let me out of my cage
Now, time for me is nothing cause I'm counting no age
Now I couldn't be there
Now you shouldn't be scared
I'm good at repairs
And I'm under each snare
Intangible
Bet you didn't think so I command you to
Panoramic view
Look I'll make it all manageable
Pick and choose
Sit and lose
All you different crews
Chicks and dudes
Who you think is really kickin' tunes?
Picture you gettin' down in a picture tube
Like you lit the fuse
You think it's fictional?
Mystical? Maybe.
Spiritual
Hero who appears in you to clear your view when you're too crazy
Lifeless
To those the definition for what life is
Priceless
To you because I put you on the high shit
You like it?
Gun smokin' righteous with one toke
You're psychic among those
Possess you with one go

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but not for long
The future (that's right) is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on

The essence the basics
Without did you make it
Allow me to make this
Child-like in nature
Rhythm
You have it or you don't that's a fallacy
I'm in them
Every sprouting tree
Every child of peace
Every cloud and sea
You see with your eyes
I see destruction and demise (that's right)
Corruption in disguise
From this fuckin' enterprise
Now I'm sucked into your lies
Through Russel, not his muscles but percussion he provides
For me as a guide
Y'all can see me now 'cause you don't see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That's the inner
So I'mma stick around with Russ and be a mentor
Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember where the thought is
I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless (right here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, remember that it's all in your head

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but not for long
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future

My future is coming on.  Damn!  This is incredibly powerful for me right now.  I am stuck in bad place but the music speaks  and is telling me that my future is coming on.

As my bus was exiting the interstate into downtown Denver, “Time to Get Ill” by the Beastie Boys (Click here to listen) started playing in my ears.  Perfection!  

 

“I'm not the type of person who like to waste my time
And when I'm on the mic I just say my rhymes
And I'm out on bail, the check is in the mail
They can sentence me to life but I won't go to jail
I'm cool calm collected, from class I was ejected” 

My new office and current job are jail and I won’t go there.  It is “time to get ill” and find my way out of here.

My boss and another coworker doomed into "workspace hoteling land"

As I got on the elevator to head up to the 17^th floor of my current corporate job hell, Eminem was rapping through my headphones.  More explicit and inappropriate lyrics but damn, they spoke to me as I was headed up the elevator.   The song – Bitch Please II (Click here to listen).

“somehow, someway - tell 'em, nigga
You know about Dogg-ay
Now let me cut these niggaz up and show em where da fuck I'm comin from
I get the party crackin from the shit that I be spittin son
Hit-and-run, get it done, get the funds, split and run”

Was all this a coincidence?  You can believe that but I believe in magic.  I believe that we can control our own destiny with the energy we attract and draw upon throughout our lives.  I am struggling with finding the positive energy that will propel me to reach my dream but I know it is there.  I have to have faith that the sun is shining bright and all I need to do is sprout.  Once I sprout and my cotyledons reach the light, I will grow straight, strong, and beautiful.  I will believe that my future is bright, I have to wear shades.

The song playing right now on Pandora is “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” by the Simple Minds (Listen here).  Music speaks…

Blogs inspired by the music that speaks to me:

Ordinary Average Guy
Bittersweet Symphony
18 Wheeler
Bucket List #9 - Karaoke
White Men Can't Jump
Can't Stop The Sun
Take It Easy
Forgive Me, Forgive Me Not, Why Can't I Forgive Myself

View from my new office but not from my office - I don't have an office anymore and I certainly don't have a window.

 

 

Two Balls

Today marks a sad day for me.  I am losing my office tomorrow and today is the day I take everything home with me.  I am losing my office because the company I work for was bought by a much larger consulting firm that wanted access to our clients and projects.  Well they got it but in their purchase, I am losing my office.  I have had an office with a door for the last 10 years and I am not sure if I am going to know how to operate in cube land.  Actually, the new company doesn't even have cubes - they use an open floor plan with dog-bone workstations.  They use a "hoteling" system to reserve workstations for a week or two at a time.  Research has shown that this type of work environment is lousy and does not increase productivity but rather breeds resentment and a miserable work environment.  I guess I will learn if I can work in this environment next week but I can already tell you that my new co-workers are not going to like the chaos and noise I bring to the workplace.

 

As I whine and cry with my co-workers (we are an office of 7 people that work incredibly well together) about our move, I have been looking for any excuse NOT to work.  Yes - I am still getting my job done but it is the in-between times that find me looking at old photos, surfing the internet, and even shopping for Christmas gifts for my boys.  That is when I found this photo I titled "Two Balls".

Two Balls

I took this SnakeSelfie last winter on a sunny afternoon in my living room.  The snakes were new to me and I needed to get to know them before I used them in any snake programs.  I don't mind being bitten by snakes but I cannot have any of my snakes bite anyone else - that would just not be good for business.  The snake on my right shoulder is a biter but the snake on my left shoulder is a sweetheart. 

 

The photo title, "Two Balls", has double meaning in that it references the species of snake - ball python and it references the male anatomy.  Now, I can already feel you rolling your eyes at me and hear your thought of "that's disgusting" but really it is kind of funny if you can just let your immature self out for a moment.  I certainly can and probably do let my immaturity out too much but right now that is my frame of mind.  I am moving into an office where I am being treated as a dollar sign rather than an employee (new company is all about profit) and forced to work in a setting that resembles the a computer lab with white noise blaring from speakers to help drown out conversations.  This is a perfect storm to bring out my immaturity and this photo represents my mood almost perfectly if you can remove the sadness of losing my office.

 

I let my immature frame of mind about this move slip during a recent "integration" meeting that the new company had with us a few weeks ago.  They were introducing the "hoteling" and open floor plan to us in addition to other benefit related changes (I never even knew that there could be a spousal surcharge for health insurance).  During a pause in their presentation, I raised my hand and asked what day and time the Nerf wars occurred.  You should have seen the blank stares I got and the two people giving the presentation are two of the folks I thought had the better senses of humor in the new company.  FUCK - I am so screwed.

Seating Chart for my first week at the new office

One positive is that my boss is also having to give up his office and will join me in "hotel hell".  Just this week, we received our assigned workstations and Andrew (my boss) is close enough to shoot rubber bands at throughout the day.  Actually, at a previous employer, he was a part of the rogue group in their cube land that was responsible for a rubber band policy banning all shooting of rubber bands in the office.  I can see similar policy being enforced in our near future.

 

So despite all the negatives of being sold to a company with a very different and profit driven culture, I think my work family will find a way to bring our fun with us.  If not, I can only hope to be laid off so I will be forced to pursue my snake dream.

Seeing Past The Obstacles

Let me preface this blog post with this is not my best work but it needs to be published regardless.  I started this post last April when I took the two sunrise photos on my way into work one morning and never finished it.  It is rough, very rough but it really identifies something about myself that I need to acknowledge and address.  Here is my post and hopefully I can write another one soon that can share the successes of my journey to see past the obstacles.

 

 

 

Everywhere I look, I see obstacles and it is really beginning to piss me off.  This happens not only in my physical view of the world but also in how I view myself. 

Powerlines obstructing a beautiful sunrise

My experience with most other humans is that they never see the obstacles impeding our views.  I have heard people marvel at the beauty of the sunrise or sunset but all I see are the powerlines obstructing my view.  Everywhere I drive, I see the underground pipelines that have bisected our landscape.  The roads themselves are obstacles to our planet's true beauty but do people really see them?  I don't think so.  Many people think cities, buildings, and bridges are pretty but I see concrete and steel polluting my view.

I wish I were gifted enough to see past the obstacles.  I need a shift in my perspective. I know I am unhappy (even angry) with my current place in life but what have I done to make a change - lately, I haven't done much. 

I have wallowed in my anger that things aren't moving anywhere with my snake dreams but do I try to make them move?  Not really.  I just see the obstacles in my path to achieving my dreams.  I see the lack of time, the lack of money, and the lack of support as negatives and obstacles.  I don't see the positive and wonderful view of my work, the lives I have touched, the opinions I have changed, or the inspiration of my snake talks.  No.  I do think I can see these things but they are blocked by the obstacles I create for myself. 

It is time to see past the obstacles and I hope I can find ways to articulate my journey to reprogram my brain.  Right now, I am just spinning at my desk trying to figure out what to do next but isn't this already a success?  I know what I need to do - I need to see past the obstacles.

Concrete and steel with sunrise

 

Flamin' Hot

Have you ever had Flamin' Hot Limon Cheetos?  Probably not but let me tell you that they are GROSS.  I cannot stand them but I also have a irresistible draw to them and I eat at least 1 small bag a week (maybe 2 if I am truly honest with myself and you).  Cheetos are just disgusting in general but when you take away the fake orange cheese and add a fluorescent red flamin' hot powder instead, they just get nastier.  Despite my aversion to them, I simple must have them when feeling stressed out -  especially if they are the limon flavor.



Cheetos with a Texas Indigo



I stress eat and today was one of those days I needed to bury my stress with some Flamin' Hot Limon Cheetos.  Today's bag was my second of the week.  Stress eating does funny things to my mind.  The entire time I am stuffing my face with Cheetos, my mind is screaming at me to stop but I don't.  I eat and eat until the entire bag is gone.  In no way, shape, or form does eating an entire bag of Cheetos make my stress go away.  If anything, it gives me something else to not like about myself.

Breakfast of champions while watching YouTube videos and working with Google Earth

So why eat something that I don't even like that ultimately makes me feel worse than when I started?  I have no f&#!ing clue.  It just happens.  I find myself wandering down to the 7/11 and buying a bag of the red cheese flavored snacks and before I know it, they are gone.  This happened to me at 8:30am today.  Yes - I ate an entire bag of Flamin' Hot Limon Cheetos before 9:00am on a Thursday.

Instead of beating myself up today over this, I have decided to post a few of the photos I have taken in 2015 of my disgusting habit.  My only regret is that I didn't take a photo every time I did this but I think the following photos will give you a snapshot of my response to stress.  In addition, here is a short video using the hashtag #WineCam to fully disclose my problem with stressing out and eating Flamin' Hot Limon Cheetos for breakfast.

 



Yes - this is embarrassing but maybe I can change this behavior if I show the world who I really am. 

 



Flamin' Hot Limon Cheetos with a Big Gulp for breakfast

 

Flamin' Hot Limon Cheetos with salmon for breakfast while delineating habitats in Texas

 

Flamin' Hot Limon Cheetos with pizza and salmon for breakfast

 



Flamin' Hot Limon Cheetos with burgers for breakfast

 

Rhino Skin

You need rhino skin
If you're gonna begin
To walk
Through this world
You need elephant balls
If you don't want to crawl
On your hands
Through this world

-Tom Petty

In my last post I bashed environmental consultants that like to claim the title "biologist".  I stand by my opinion that most consultants are clueless to what it takes to be a good biologist and I have another example from the same project I wrote about in my last blog post.  However, this time I am going to bash my own company.

 

Last year the consulting firm that I work for was sold to another larger consulting firm.  The original plan was to keep my company as a separate business unit in an attempt to maintain our culture and profitability.  We had an incredible culture that is being destroyed by the anti-social capitol and greed inducing culture of profit centers that the new company has currently.  Wow - I could write for days about the importance of social capitol in the workplace because my old company's value of creating a workplace and work relationships that are positive is the #1 reason I am still a consultant - in short, I enjoy the people I work with and my place of work despite permitting projects that completely go against my moral person.

 

Texas Tortoise Selfie taken in the thick scrub in south Texas

As a part of the new and forced integration, we have been directed to share work with people in the company that now owns us.  In part, this directive comes from the new company's greed (we are more profitable than them) and secondly that they are not nearly as busy as we are (I understand the second part).  So, in our generous and cooperative nature, we have given the drafting of the Biological Assessment (BA) for our project in south Texas to staff in our new company.  The trouble is that the staff we assigned the BA to are from Massachusetts and Maryland with no experience in Texas or even the southern half of the United States.  Does this stop consultants?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  We can work anywhere.  This just makes me chuckle to think about and when I met these folks in the field for an afternoon, I laughed even harder.

 

The first negative I had with my new co-workers is that they were over 5 hours late meeting me in the field for their site tour.  We planned to meet them at 10:00am but they didn't arrive until after 3:00pm.  REALLY?  Who shows up that late???  This immediately started things off on the wrong foot.

 

The second negative was that they had no idea or even a clue about the biological significance and uniqueness of a loma.  They thought that the entire site was dredge spoil and human-made.  It was clear that they had not done any homework before getting on a plane and traveling a full day to the field in south Texas.  They hadn't even read any of the previous reports we had sent them nor did they have a map of the site.  I spent the first hour of their field visit getting them up to speed on the ecology of the area.

 

Then it was time for the Otto and Cameron show.  As I mentioned in my last post, Otto is a true biologist with an insatiable appetite to learn everything he can about the ecology and biodiversity of his current location.  This could be a vacant lot in the middle of New York City but Otto would still be looking for plants and critters.  He and I share a lot in common and our passion for the field was a great synergy for this project.  I should mention here that another employee from my current company was with us in the field but she was very green to field work.  That said, she was eager to learn and had done her homework before coming to Texas.  Her role on the project was that of data collection and GPS monkey and therefore not responsible for understanding the biological complexities of the site. In fact, all the homework she did prior to coming to the field was a great introduction for her and she was able to help both Otto and myself immensely. 

 

So what is the Otto and Cameron show?  Well, it is where we take inexperienced people and test their abilities in the field.  I have been known to take people far from the car and then quietly and quickly disappear into the woods just to double back and watch my field partner's response.  If they continue their work without me present, they pass.  If they stop work and begin to look for me with a panic look, they fail.  I prefer to work with people who are comfortable in the field and don't need me to show them the way back to the car. 

 

After the hour-long introduction to the ecology of the site, Otto and I headed off into the shrubland in search of rare plants and animals.  At first, I stuck to one of the trails that had been bushwhacked through the thick scrub so the archaeological crews could complete their transects.  Once sufficiently deep into the scrub, I left the trail and never saw my two new coworkers again until it was time to wrap up surveys in that area and move to another.  I found them waiting at the car for me so at least they could get back to the car.  Otto and I both laughed that night and for the rest of our trip about how we both knew that neither of my new coworkers would follow us into the scrub.  Erin sat quietly during these discussions but she had already passed with flying colors.

 

Why?  Because it is hard and it hurts.  Almost every shrub in south Texas has thorns and lots of them.  Here is Erin (the GPS monkey) busting through the scrub as she followed me soon after we left our visitors on one of the archaeology transects.  The scrub will hurt you and scar you. 

Erin bravely fighting the scrub

This next set of photos, like yesterday's post, could get me fired.  They are in direct violation of my company's health and safety plan.  They show examples of the thorns we pulled out of our arms, legs, and hands each evening before our showers (we did, however, record and report all the ticks on our bodies to meet my company's new tick safety "near-miss" recording policy).  Technically, I should have not gone into the field without personal protective equipment (PPE) to prevent the thorns from ever touching my skin.  This means I would have had to wear body armor, gloves, and safety glasses - all of these greatly hinder biological surveys especially the safety glasses.  No way will I wear glasses of any sort in the field as they change my vision reducing my ability to detect critters.  Even clear safety glasses mess with my vision and body armor would have been way too hot causing us to take more breaks than work.  If any of my company's health and safety officers ever saw these photos, I would be answering a lot of questions.  Erin even had the spine of a Spanish Dagger plant pierce her thick rubber boot and stab her in her shin.

This thorn was discovered just before my shower on the second day in the field - it had penetrated and broken off in my skin through the heavy canvas pants I was wearing.

Example of the many thorns we removed from our hands

Does having rhino skin make me a good biologist?  Absolutely not!  However, my willingness to get stabbed repeatedly and sweat through my clothes to ensure I visited every part of the project site in the little time that I had there does.  My 34 hours on the site were spent exploring as many square feet and acres possible in hopes of finding something new or even one of the federally and state listed species I was tasked to find.  What did my colleagues that only had 4 hours on the site do?  They stuck to the trails just as expected of a stereotypical environmental consultant.  They failed my "are you a biologist test" in every manner possible and these are the people responsible for writing the Biological Assessment. 

 

Tom Petty sings about the need to have rhino skin to survive the "needles and pins, the arrows of sin, the evils of men" and I couldn't agree more.  I have kept my mouth shut about the sins of my profession but it may be time for me to start screaming.  I am tired of writing subpar impact assessments.  I am tired of permitting projects without science.  I am tired of pretending to be a biologist at work.  In addition, the drastic 180 degree change from a company focused on building social capitol among its staff to a company that is only focused on profit as really sent me into a frenzy.  I don't want to have rhino skin anymore.  It is time to grow elephant balls and forge my own path through the thornscrub of humans plundering our planet.

Rhino Skin - Tom Petty

You need rhino skin
If you're gonna begin
To walk
Through this world
You need elephant balls
If you don't want to crawl
On your hands
Through this world

Oh my love if I reveal
Every secret I've concealed
How many thoughts would you steal
How much of my pain would you feel

You need eagles wings
To get over things
That make no sense
In this world

You need rhino skin
If you're gonna pretend
You're not hurt by this world

If you listen long enough
You can hear my skin grow tough
Love is painful to the touch
Must be made of stronger stuff

You need rhino skin
To get to the end
Of the maze through this world

You need rhino skin
Or you're gonna give in
To the needles and pins
The arrows of sin
The evils of men
You need rhino skin