Thursday, June 5, 2014

Spit – Why do boys always spit?

I had my GoPro out the other day recording video of my youngest son playing soccer.  As I was setting the camera up to aim at us kicking the ball back and forth, he ran full speed up to the camera.  I thought he was going to run right into me but he slammed on the brakes right before impact.  What he did next surprised me – he spit a giant loogie out in front of the camera to get it on video.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised – I am male after all and spitting is something that makes us different from girls and women.  Don’t get me wrong; I know plenty of females that are great spitters.  However, I am definitely assigning a stereotype about males and females, boys and girls, and men and women here.  In my stereotypical world, males spit and females don’t.

Male humans also do other strange things when in their adolescent (and adult) years.  In particular, literal pissing contests can be frequent occurrences.  Yes, we not only cross lightsaber streams - we also see who can pee farther.  Pee distance is something that diminishes with age so you will never catch me in a pee distance contest with my sons.  If it is a volume contest such as creating a small stream to see how far it will flow down a hill or snow melting area, I am definitely in – but a distance contest, no fucking way.

I think pee distance has something to do with urethra width.  To put it simply, boys who have not yet hit puberty have a narrower urethra.   In other words,  the urethra diameter to bladder size ratio can increase pee pressures often sending urine 8 to 12 feet from some young men.  That is right – 8 to 12 feet or even more.  When aimed up (yes boys have the luxury and often do aim their stream in strange and often naughty ways), this stream can reach 8 feet high!  If you haven’t witnessed a 3-6 year old pee for distance or height, you need to add this event to your bucket list.  As we age, the urethra width to bladder size ratio decreases making a grown man lucky to pee 3 to 4 feet from his body.

The true experiment for testing my theory is in the hands of the King of the Hill writers.  They have the perfect scenario to give it a test.  If you have ever watched this adult cartoon, you know that Bobby Hill is a miracle baby because Hank (his father) has a narrow urethra.  The Hills never thought they would have a child but as those of us with children know, unprotected sex usually leads to babies.

Each episode of King of the Hill ends with Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer in the alley drinking beer and having an open dialogue about things happening in their lives or the world.  The writers could easily test my urethra-bladder theory by having these very distinguished gentlemen turn around to face the fence.  I will stop there and let you imagine the rest.

Boys are full of constant competition.  At our house, this includes just about anything and everything.  The boys will even compete about chores – not who gets to do them but who has more chores so they don’t have to feed the dogs or let the chickens out in addition to their normal duties when Heather or I cannot get these things done.  When my youngest spit in front of the GoPro the other day, I am just glad his brothers were not around.  If they were, you may have seen the 4 Young boys (of course I am included) turn our backs on the camera and test my narrow urethra theory ourselves.  I just wish I had recorded the slow motion video below in 120 frames per second to really capture my sons’ enthusiastic example showing the effect of gravity on spit.

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